


Flaming Prayers for Lying Brothers

by willgraysonswife



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Catholicism, Death, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Farmer Ronan Lynch, Humour, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lawyer Adam Parrish, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-The Raven King, Religion, Swearing, The Raven King Spoilers, Vomiting, Weddings, pynch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23613991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willgraysonswife/pseuds/willgraysonswife
Summary: After a rocky four years together, Adam and Ronan call it quits. They drift apart, slowly, quietly, and six years later, grow into men. Both kings of their own domains - Ronan a successful farmer and Adam the top of a law firm, at almost thirty they find themselves on two completely different sides of the universe; the last pieces of their past being held by the Gansey's.But now Declan Lynch is getting married. And Declan Lynch has no idea about Adam and Ronan's break up.And Ronan wants to ask Adam a favour.
Relationships: Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 87
Kudos: 195





	1. Elephants Aren't That Smart

Ronan had been anxiously prancing from one foot to the other in his kitchen when Blue picked up the Skype call. He had to put away his banana bread batter, which he had been preparing for the past fifteen minutes – Matthew was due to visit him the next day, which Ronan was both nonchalantly thrilled and riled up about, as he had let him know last minute. 

“Oh hey, handsome. We’re gonna have to make this one quick. My husband’s just in the other room.” Blue appeared on the screen, youthful as ever, bouncing a baby on her hip. Her lip curled in an affectionate manner, she tilted her head slightly and adjusted the screen.

“Ha-ha,” Ronan deadpanned, setting his arms on the counter on each side of his laptop. He was wearing his typical black tank top attire, but instead of black jeans he opted for sweatpants. This was to be unknown to Blue. He was glad she could only see his top half, because she would have definitely commented on his unfamiliar comfortable state. “Hi Art.” He said, and the left corner of his mouth lifted just slightly. Blue did not miss it.

She held the baby closer to the screen, “Say hi to uncle Ronan.”  
Ronan’s lips split into a grin. He couldn’t help it. He loved his nephew to death. The baby had no response to Blue’s insistence on him greeting Ronan, going about what he was more interested in, which was apparently stuffing something in his mouth.

“What’s he chewin’ on?” Ronan asked, eyes in a squint, “He’s chewin’ on something.”

“Yeah, it’s a toy thingy,” she adjusted her son on her hip. “Well, not a toy. I don’t know. It’s one of those chewy things. He’s teething still. Gansey got him a bunch.”

“Speaking of Dick, where is he?” Ronan asked.  


“In the bathroom with Willow, she’s having a bath. Why? Did you wanna talk to him?” Blue said, already twisting her head as if to call on Gansey.

“No! Don’t-” Ronan said but cut himself off, perhaps too quickly. Blue raised her eyebrows, suspicion brewing.

“Alright, what’s going on?” She asked, “Are you in trouble?”

“Am I- what? No, Jesus,” Ronan sighed, sort of aggravated. He had always cynically speculated whether that was how they all still saw him – an architect of disorder and difficulty; a bearer of bad news.

“Alright, what’s up then?” she asked.

Ronan exhaled a breath, uncertain and too bizarre to his character. “Yeah, okay. You know Declan’s wedding’s coming up. At the beginning of June.” 

“Yeah. We got the cutesy blue invitations too. It was really sweet of them, given that they invited us over the phone ages ago. Gansey already took that week off work, he’s actually very excited for them. I mean we both are, obviously. But Gansey’s _really_ into the whole thing – I’m worried he’ll be getting a really expensive gift.” She said, putting Arthur down on the bed next to her, letting him crawl around and over her. 

Ronan grimaced, “The hell? I wasn’t even planning on giving anything. Don’t get them anything. Seriously. I don’t even think either of them want that.” 

“Uh, _you_ tell him that. He listens to his six month old son more than me. And by the way, a week on Guam? How many people are they paying for? Isn’t it all a bit much? I mean, I get Declan would go for something like that, but how did Jordan not veto this?” Blue blasted questions at Ronan. As if he knew the answers to any of them.

“Seriously, don’t ask me. Some special-occasion, once-in-a-lifetime sort of bullshit. Lovey-dovey stuff. I didn’t really wanna know. I don’t think I’m gonna spend the whole week there, probably just the ceremony. ‘Cause the farm and shit.” He said, scratching himself behind the ear.

Blue shook her head, scoffing, “You absolutely have to stay the whole week. You’re best man, Ronan. To your _big brother_. And besides, I know you have your weirdo cow-milkin’ cowboy buddies who can take care of it for a week.” 

“ _Hey_ , “ Ronan said in mock-offence, but not really. He really cared for his farming business – as strange and outdated it was to his friends.

“Sorry,” she laughed. “But you know you can take the week off. It’ll do you good, even.”

Ronan ran a hand through his shaved head, “I’ll see. Anyway… I really need to ask you something. About this wedding thing.”

“Trouble in paradise?” Blue grinned.

Ronan stared at her in a _not the time to fuck around_ manner.

“Sorry. Shoot.”

“Right. Well, you know how Declan still thinks I’m with Adam?” 

His voice still wavered when saying _Adam_. It wasn’t a real thing coming out of his throat. It made him sick and uselessly furious on the inside, it let all sorts of forgotten sentiments burst out of his heart, only for them to slam him in the chest, hitting and hitting until they calmed and crawled back. _Adam_.

“Unfortunately, I do. I can’t believe you haven’t told him yet. It’s been _years_ , Ronan.” Blue said. 

Ronan momentarily recalled a dinner party Gansey and Blue had hosted, probably two years or so after his break up with Adam. They had invited a nonsensical concoction of people – politics students and politicians children, odd nature fanatics and photographers, two violin and timpani orchestra players who Gansey had seen in a Youtube video and was so awed that he went lengths to get to know them and insisted Ronan should, too (which he did, and they turned out to be quite eccentric and groovy people, Ronan even lit up a joint with Sybille later that night – this only an outcome of the fact that she had told him she had a wife – this had comforted Ronan - and his excessive alcohol intake which made him throw up hours later). And, of course a number of students with the oddest of majors Ronan has ever (never) heard of. _“Who the hell is Alaska Miners and why is she studying Chinese medicine?”, “Alaska is lovely. She’s actually from Alaska, isn’t that funny? Ronan - You’re dripping corona on the floor.” “Oh, Richard Campbell, who are these fucking people?” “Ronan! Wipe it up. Please. Where is Declan?”_ at which Ronan’s stomach had dropped five stories under them, _“On his way, on his way.”_ And then he had walked away.

Declan and Matthew arrived a small minute after, Matthew kept asking around for his ‘future brother in law’. Ronan kept saying to him _“Matthew, shut the hell up, for the love of God. He’s not coming. Stop it.”_ And Adam would, thankfully, not come. He was too deep in his studies and couldn’t move a muscle further than a mile out of campus other than for work. This is what Henry had told Ronan over the phone - dearest Henry, who couldn’t come either because he was tanning his naked ass in Jamaica with a suspicious girl he met two weeks prior. 

However, Blue overheard Matthew and Ronan’s exchange. After that, everything went to shit. The argument that ensued after she found out his “little” secret that night had been terrible – Ronan vomiting, one hand in the toilet, and her screaming at him; _“Fucking asshole! How could you do that! Oh, stop retching. I’m so angry with you, Ronan. So angry.”_ And Ronan cried. He cried like a baby. Puke all over his chin and the collar of his black button-up, later propped on his elbow on the white tile floors in the bathroom of Blue and Gansey’s apartment. _“I didn’t want to tell him. I know I should have. Please don’t tell him. Don’t tell any of the guys.” “Oh, Ronan, I won’t. I won’t spare you the trouble.”_ And that’s when they fell asleep, and woke up three hours later at sunrise, cleaned the bathroom, and went to drive around for two hours to talk about it. 

The memory made him cringe terribly. He truly was a fool.

“Right, years. I just never think of telling him when I’m with him.” 

Blue only rolled her eyes. “Get on with your point.” 

“I’m thinking of asking Adam a favour.” _Adam._

“You’re thinking of asking Ada-“ she gasped. “ _No_.” Her face turned into such a judgemental shape that Ronan winced a little bit.

“Yeah, there it is… Look, do you really think it’s that big of a deal?”

Ronan knew this was stupid to ask. But Ronan was not known to dodge stupidity. He held its hand with a grip and had it smeared in black paint over his forehead. 

Blue was still in shock. “Well, I mean, yeah! Kind of? I mean it’s _Adam_ we’re talking about here. You know perhaps better than anyone that he’ll go crazy. Nuts. Apeshit. He’ll go Annalise Keating on you.”

“He’ll go what? Who’s Anna Lisa Keating? What?”

Blue laughed. “God. It’s just this thing Adam says, that he’ll _‘go Annalise Keating on you.’_ It’s just a thing he says. Never mind. It’s from a show.”

 _It’s just a thing he says._ Ronan wouldn’t know. It stung like a wasp in his mouth, buzzing and bobbing up and down from tongue to palate. He swallowed it, hardly.

“Uh-huh.” Ronan said. “You know I’m still gonna ask him. I just didn’t want him calling you first and then you calling me and you telling Gansey and then Gansey calling me.”

“Gansey _will_ be calling you.”

Ronan regarded, “Ronan will _not_ pick up,”

Blue sighed. “Ronan. This is insane. Adam will go to the wedding regardless. He loves Declan and Jordan, he’s happy for them. He called me when we got the invitations, said it’s about time and that he hasn’t seen them in ages. And he’s really excited to finally go on holiday. You just need to tell Declan.”

“I don’t want to tell him. Not now. He won’t like it.” He said. He felt beat and rotten and horribly wished there was no wedding. No Guam. No Adam. Certainly no Declan.

“Well. None of us did. He’ll have the same response, only with a six year delay. He can take it, he’s a big boy.” 

“Yeah, I’m not so sure. He’s considering wearing a white suit. How gay is that?” Ronan had actually been dying to say this to someone. 

Declan had called him two weeks ago on facetime (Ronan wouldn’t have picked up, but he had an urge for a few days to show off Darlene’s newborn calf to someone. Even Declan.) _“What do you say when you see a groom in a white suit?”_ To which Ronan had replied, _“I congratulate him for coming out.”_ To which Declan raised an eyebrow and said, _“Oh, so you can wear the same one when you get married.”_ To which Ronan pressed ‘end call’ and cursed at himself for not seeing that coming.

“You’re horrible. Gansey’s getting a suit next Thursday, with Adam. You should go with. You can tell them both together. So then there’s a witness to the homicide.” She smiled.

This proposition made Ronan think that ‘Weekends with Lilith’ was suddenly a comfortable idea. Lilith Wilks had a small farm up in north Virginia who he had actually met through Quora, and she had kept pestering Ronan to come up for her weekly sit-downs with other farmers from all across the country, where they shared ‘farming tips’ and drank milky coffee and exchanged cheeses and shit. This sounded pleasant in comparison to suit shopping with Gansey and Adam. 

But it could possibly be an easier way out.

“Hilarious. Is Adam getting one?”

“What? A suit? Adam doesn’t need to get a suit. He’s a lawyer.”

-

“So you’ve decided to fly to Guam with a wife and fly out without one,” Ronan said, looking at Gansey’s atrocious outfit.

Gansey had emerged from the changing room wearing a chocolate coloured velvet suit with matching loafers. 

Ronan had baby Arthur strapped to his chest. He was quite opposed to this when Gansey asked him to do so once he was ready to try on the suits. _“Why couldn’t you have just brought the stroller?” “Because this way he can see his surroundings, Ronan. Take him just for a while.” “But Parrish can take him” “But he likes you better”._ Which they all knew was not true, but it made Ronan strap the baby to his chest, pleased enough with the statement. 

Adam sat in a chair next to him, staring pointedly at Gansey. Unamused. “It’ll be too hot for that, Gansey,” he said calmly.

“It will be too hot for any suit, why can’t I just wear this one?” Gansey patted the suit pockets in the mirror, thumbing the glazed buttons. 

Ronan couldn’t fold his arms because of his baby cargo, so he just adjusted his dark aviators, which he was still wearing despite being indoors. “Sargent won’t let you wear that,” he said. “I mean, I couldn’t give less of a shit. I’d love to see her reaction. But she sent us with you for a reason.” 

“Stop swearing,” Gansey looked at him in the mirror.

“He’s asleep.” Ronan said, bored.

Adam rolled his eyes, “Look. Just don’t wear it for the wedding maybe. You can get it but perhaps get a regular black for Guam. This is what- a _Brioni?_ ” He looked at the sales assistant – Patricia - for confirmation - yes, “so get yourself this one as a treat and something more... Blue approved for the wedding,” he said.

This suit knowledge which came from Adam infuriated Ronan. Of course he knew all about suits. Adam had worked his ass off to be where he was now. He was a big name in and out of the city. And Ronan was happy for him. But he couldn’t help thinking that this minute part, this obsessive suit expertise Adam had acquired over the years, was just another fragment of his new persona - a character Ronan would never be able to examine. 

He hated it, so he only scoffed.

“Okay,” Gansey said, eyeing himself in the mirror still. “But I’m getting this one too.”

“Would you like me to show you around the more traditional designs, as Mr. Parrish suggested?” Patricia smiled at Gansey.

“Yes, thank you,” Gansey said, walking away with her, never changing out of the velvet one he had been trying on.

Adam, manic, scrolled through his phone. After what seemed like forever, he locked it before plopping it back down between his legs. He sighed, brushing his fringe away from his forehead and pressing the back of his palm against it. 

He looked up at Ronan, “God, I’m sorry. Do you want to sit? You got the kid.”

Ronan acted as if he was never looking at him in the first place, “No, man. I’m good,” he said, though Adam was already standing up, “Parrish. Fuck me, sit down.”

Adam sat back in the chair. “Thanks.” He leaned his back against the it fully, letting his head roll back like a dead person and closing his eyes for a mere second.

“Rough day?” Ronan asked.

“Yeah,” Adam merely said, ending the conversation there. 

Their dynamic over the years had been strange. After the break up, which shocked everyone else significantly more than them, they had decided to still be friends, mostly for Gansey’s sake. But that had not held up for long. They stopped talking almost completely after ten months, when Adam started dating a girl he met at University. Madison. She was a perfect, machine-made thing, blonde hair always pinned up, legs long and straight, white teeth stacked next to each other neatly.

After Ronan saw her for the first time (courtesy of Henry’s verified Instagram account), he was not impressed. She wore brogues in every photo and gave off a young Kristen Bell vibe (Henry said this, not Ronan, he had no idea who Kristen Bell was), pink blush and pink lipstick outstanding against her pale face. She wore suits and pencil skirts – but mostly the suits. 

Actually, Ronan was impressed. Henry had shown him a photo of her and Adam which she posted on her story, her kissing Adam on the temple at a party. Adam obviously sober but giggly and willing and _happy._ And that had impressed him. He had known Adam so closely, so intimately for years. Adam had found a girlfriend, and he was happy without Ronan.

And so they stopped talking, unless it was completely necessary. Even after Madison and Adam had broken up. The closest moments Ronan and Adam shared after their break up consisted merely of the Gansey kids. They had become uncles. 

They had grown up.

-

They were sitting in a restaurant. A fancy one which Ronan literally had to be dragged into. Gansey and Adam sat across from Ronan, him opposite them next to Arthur who was in a high chair. This felt embarrassing even to Ronan – he knew Gansey sat next to Adam because Ronan would spontaneously combust if he had to sit next to Adam, even if it meant Gansey wouldn’t sit next to his seven month old.

This meant that Ronan was now being ordered by Gansey to, “Please, pick up the elephant”.

Ronan picked it up, handed it to the baby, who continued to thrash his arms around, his tiny fingers constricting the toy’s neck, often smashing it into the table. Ronan looked at the elephant’s squished lifeless face, thinking, same.

He let out a breath. Adam and Gansey were discussing a colleague of Adams. He wasn’t listening, only overhearing pieces; _“Man, what an asshole”_ and _“Fourteen thousand, Gansey. Fourteen thousand!”_

Ronan texted Blue.

To: Sargent Gansey

_if I die today u can get Darlene and the calf. promised matthew the rest of the animals_

Thirty seconds later:

From: Sargent Gansey

 _What about Shelby? Wow rude._

To: Sargent Gansey

_will u give me art and will if u guys die_

From: Sargent Gansey

_F no. youre comparing my children to livestock._

“Ronan?” 

Ronan’s head shot up. “Huh?”

“We were just talking about the wedding.” Gansey smiled cheerily.

He put his phone away, “What about it?”

“Just how surreal it is. That Declan’s getting married.” Gansey said, forking a tomato from his salad. “Wonderful.”

" _You’re _married.”__

____

____

__

__

Gansey said, “Well, yes. But that’s different. Me and Jane met a long time ago. We knew we wanted to get married since we were eighteen”

“That’s not true,” Adam said.

Adam was right. Blue never actually wanted to get married. She didn’t care for it. But then she fell pregnant with Willow at twenty-three, and Gansey was not ready for his mother to have a heart attack, so they threw a small impromptu wedding in Henrietta and signed some papers.

Ronan had been at the Barns with Adam one morning when they got the call. _A baby._ Adam was excited for them, Ronan grinned. _“Gansey, you dog”._ And the call ended. They rolled around on the bed some more after that, Ronan jokingly saying, _“We can make one too”,_ to which Adam had laughed and responded _“No, we can’t. Besides, you have plenty of kids.”_ And Ronan had forgotten what he had said, looking at his boyfriend in their messy bed, stroking the side of his ear, down to the tip of his chin, sighing, _“Adam.”_

They broke up a few months after that.

Ronan swallowed. He had stopped listening again.

“Adam,”

Both Adams and Ganseys faces changed immediately. Ronan never regarded him this way. It was old, but new. It was scary.

“I needed to ask you something,” He said.

“Okay,” Adam put his fork down. “Is everything alright?”

Ah. Of course. Adam probably thought Ronan needed a lawyer. What was he expecting in this moment? _“Oh, some people are suing me over land”_ or _“Oh, someone wants to sue me for defamation”._ Certainly not, _“Oh, could you pretend to be my boyfriend for a week in front of fifty or so people?”_

Shit. Maybe Ronan did need a lawyer.

Alright, out with it, Ronan thought.

“Declan still thinks we’re dating.”

Silence. Gansey stiffened in his seat. Adam looked utterly confused. Arthur chewed on the elephants head. 

“What?” Adam said, calm as day. He probably thought this was a joke. 

“I never told him,” Ronan said. Everything around them was now forgotten. Ronan realised that this was definitely at the top of his list of stupidest ideas. But he was here now.

Adam’s expression didn’t change. “Be serious, Ronan. Stop it.”

“I’m deadly fucking serious.”

And then, something shifted in Adam’s expression.

“What the fuck, Ronan,” he whispered.

Gansey’s gaze shifted from Adam to Arthur when he swore. He wouldn’t dare to tell him off about cursing now.

“Yeah,” Ronan said. 

“I thought you told him. I mean, what the fuck?” Adam threw a hand through his hair, now messy and dishevelled. “He probably knows, no? He would’ve figured. I-, How-?”

Ronan could’ve broken easily then. 

“Man, I don’t know. I never got to it. You guys went to Ohio after and I thought you would tell him then. That it would come up. But then he came back and called me and never mentioned it, talked about how awesome it all was,” Ronan said, never actually looking at Adam’s face.

“Why the hell would I tell him? Ohio was fucking business. He’s your brother, Ronan. Fuck the fact that you didn’t tell me earlier, fucking earlier! Six years ago, Ronan! You didn’t tell your brother,” Adam’s voice got significantly louder. “Some honest man you are.”

Ronan flinched at this. Because he agreed. 

Gansey started, “Guys,-”

“Please, not now, Gansey,” Adam put his head in his hands.

Ronan and Gansey stayed quiet. Adam lifted his head and took a sip of his water. Arthur cooed next to Ronan. Ronan stared at the half-chewed up elephant.

Adam spoke up, “How did he not figure it out?, I mean, did he not ask you about me?”

Ronan said, “He did.”

“Oh God. And you kept lying to him. Did you know about this?” He turned to Gansey.

“Adam, I didn’t. Ronan, I can’t believe you would…” Gansey said.

And there it was. The disappointment from Adam was there and obvious and expected. But Gansey’s face bruised Ronan. Nothing crushed Ronan like Gansey. Even the slightest misstep could make Gansey upset now. They were adults. When Ronan had gotten drunk once in DC, he called Gansey at 5 am to come pick him up. Of course Gansey came, drove to come get him off the street like an animal. The drive back had been terrible. Gansey had jokingly said, _“I thought I raised you better than this.”_ And though it was a joke, Ronan had felt so much resentment towards himself he hurled right then and there all over his lap in the front seat. He had raised him better than that. 

“Oh my fucking God,” Adam said, now stressed. “These people. I work with Declan’s friends. I’ve slept with some of these people.” 

Gansey inhaled through his nose loudly. Adam dropped his head again, unable to think. His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he ignored it. Gansey just looked at Ronan, disappointed, look what you did.

“Alright. Well, just tell him. Or I’ll tell him. Right now.” Adam took his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it. “Oh, God,” he said, looking at the screen, scrolling with his thumb. 

“What is it?” Gansey said, while Ronan said, “Don’t call him.”

“Shut up. Five seconds,” Adam held up five fingers in gesture, got up from his seat and walked outside, putting his phone to his ear. As he walked away, his five fingers crumpled into a fist, and he gently punched it against his forehead. 

Ronan watched him leave, running a hand over his shaved head. 

“Ronan,” Gansey started.

“Gansey, don’t. I know. _I know._ You share the same opinion as your wife, I’m sure,” Ronan said. He felt so sick he wanted to jump into his BMW and drive straight to the barns. But he couldn’t do that. He was almost thirty. He wasn’t allowed to act childish.

“Blue knows?” Gansey asked, his face showing betrayal. 

“Yeah. Like, four years ago,” Ronan said, flicking a crumb of bread off the wooden table.

“Well. Good to know there’s honesty in my marriage.”

This was what Ronan was afraid he was going to think.

“Nah. Nothing to do with your marriage. Blue just wanted me to tell you myself.”

Gansey looked up at the ceiling, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah. You didn’t.”

At this point, Adam came back. Ronan watched him walk swiftly, his tie looser than a minute ago, expression still.

He sat down, “Alright. Sorry. Let’s call Declan.”

“Don’t call Declan.” Ronan said. He didn’t care what Adam was thinking – He was not telling Declan.

Adam looked at him, “what? Why?”

“Because. I want to tell him after the wedding.”

“That’s ridiculous.” He put his phone down. 

“That _is_ ridiculous,” Gansey was putting Arthur’s sock back on, it had fallen off. They both looked at him. Then back at each other.

“You can’t keep lying to him. You have to tell him before the wedding. I mean, obviously, Ronan. How can you possibly go on like this?”

“Parrish. God, calm down for once. Fuck. We’ll just tell them after the wedding,” Ronan rolled his eyes. He was getting quite annoyed with Adam’s tone. 

“But _why?”_

_Because you’re the only thing that Declan likes about me._

_Because I’m a fucking failure to him and the only way he likes to introduce me is through your name._

_“This is my brother, Ronan. You know Adam Parrish? They’ve been dating for almost ten years.”_

“I don’t wanna stress him out.”

“He won’t give a shit,” Adam shot back.

“He will. I’m telling them after the wedding,” Ronan was not backing down. He would not.

“Wait, does Matthew know?”

Now, Matthew kind of knew. Ronan had called him a week after him and Adam had broken up and asked to hang out in DC. It only took Matthew a few minutes to figure out something was wrong, so he asked, and Ronan had told him. But then, a month after that, he asked Ronan if he was feeling any better, and Ronan had blurted out _“We’re back together.”_ So actually, no, Matthew kind of had no idea, either.

“Nope.”

_“Ronan.”_

“After the wedding.” Ronan put on his aviators back on, tapped his fingers against the wood.

Adam shook his head in disbelief. “So, I have to pretend to have been in an almost ten year long relationship with you?” 

“You were in a four year relationship with me. Just add six years to that. Couples who are together that long hate each other anyway,” 

“No, they don’t” Gansey said, offended.

They both ignored him.

“Come on, Parrish. We’ll just be there. People will think we’re together. That’s it. Then – _boom_ – tragic break up after wedding.” He made an exaggerated explosion motion with his hands, and Arthur giggled.

“No. You will tell him the truth. You will tell him the whole truth,” Adam said angrily.

Ronan thought about this. “After the wedding.”

Adam sighed, bitter and defeated. “Only for his sake. A week. That’s it. You tell both him and Matthew after the wedding.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I could kill you, you know,” Adam muttered, pulling out his wallet and pocketing his phone. 

“I owe you.” Ronan grinned up at him.

“You have nothing I want.” He pulled out a twenty dollar note, handed it to Gansey, who took it. “I have to go.”

And he walked away, not even sparing another glance for Ronan. Ronan’s grin faded. He ignored Gansey, who was obviously waiting his turn to talk. He had a lot to say.

Arthur shrieked. The toy elephant fell to the floor. Ronan stared at it – chewed up, strangled, thrown away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no pandemic or quarantine in this story. Ronan just likes making banana bread.  
> Edit: This chapter has mentions of drug use and vomiting. Thank you to the reader for reminding me in the comments!


	2. Bright Blue Berlin Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. First of all, all my thanks to everyone who read the first chapter, and to those of you who left comments.  
> This chapter is kind of a filler, it's much shorter. My original posting plans were to post every week on Sunday, but I'm posting this today because it's there and I just know I will have to post two chapters after next week, because I am working on assignments and studying for exams. So my apologies beforehand if I don't update next week, though I will try my best.  
> P.S.: The chapter is named after the song 'Bright Blue Berlin Sky' by The Shutes.

After a proper scolding from Gansey, which Ronan took accordingly, none of them spoke to each other. They all probably thought they needed a cool down after Ronan’s revelation. 

Ronan had tried to push all the cruel logics of the whole ordeal away, and the best way to do so for him was to stay at home and tend to what he had loved the most – the farm.

He was standing outside, the sun was blazing at the earth beneath him. He had put on a his crushable wool hat, Chainsaw kept pecking at it and sitting on top of it, which annoyed him.

“Get off, silly,” he told her, swatting her away with a hand.

He walked over to the main barn, breathing in the scent of the crisp grass he walked through. 

Darlene’s calf was now a few weeks old, it was a female. She was looking healthy and happy, a fact that made Ronan feel elated. It was the first one he had delivered all by himself. He had stayed with Darlene all night.

“Hey, girl,” he said softly. He stroked the calf, Marie, behind the ear. 

He put a cow halter on Darlene and lead her out of the barn, Marie would follow.

He was running out of names for his cows, not that he had too many, he just didn’t like any names in general. He had named Marie after that one Elvis song that Willow loved and always played for him when he let her use the aux in the car. He kind of liked it. No one had to know.

Ronan led them both out onto the pasture, took off the halter and let them roam around. He slung it over his shoulder and made himself sit down on the grass. 

Darlene was Ronan’s favourite breed, a Highland cow, he had found them such gentle beasts. Over the years, he had taken in a number of different cattle breeds; he had a massive plot of land, all of them free to run around in their own time of day. 

When Gansey and Blue would come over with the kids, he would let the calm animals out, he let them stroke the rabbits and the baby goats, sometimes Willow would run around the cattle when they were on the pasture, all from a safe distance. She loved to help Ronan brush the Highland cattle when they shed their fur in the summer.

Gansey himself was too scared of the animals, though he would never admit it. He always strolled carefully around the barns, he trusted Ronan enough with the kids – and he felt that helping around with the animals was a great learning experience for them. Gansey had once almost shrieked when a Brown Swiss – Jolene, mooed so loudly in greeting, that he had politely refused to go further into the barn. Ronan laughed, saying, _“Well would you look at that, kids, your dad’s afraid of poor old Jolene here,”_ And Gansey had scoffed quietly, saying, _“I simply believe animals of such size are to be respected and admired from a safe distance.”_ And then Willow had said, reaching and stroking the cow’s snout, _“Daddy, come stroke her”_ , and Ronan had added, _“You heard the kid, Richie, come respect the cow over here.”_ And Gansey had to come stroke the cow.

When they had left the barn, they sat on the back porch, Ronan would take the large rabbits out, put them in a separate pen, and let Willow play in the massive rabbit hutch with the bunnies that were old enough to be handled. Arthur was just a tiny thing, he had been sleeping in the stroller next to them. Gansey looked far into the distance, saying, _“This is all so beautiful,”_ and after a beat, _“you did good, Ronan.”_

And as Ronan sat there now by himself, eyes closed, he stretched his body and laid down on the green underneath him, shirtless. Shoulders pressed into the soil, he let his head rest, covering his face with the hat.

_I wish I could’ve done better, Gansey._

-

Ronan had been stressed about making the call all day, but he had finally brought up the courage to do so at lunchtime. He hadn’t eaten due to his stress, so he was cooking up a quick vegetable lasagne.

He wanted to call Adam to discuss the details of their deal (to Ronan; _not-that-big-a-deal_ , to Adam; _big-big-deal_ ), to calm both himself and Adam down. He exhaled a shaky breath and pressed ‘call’.

A few rings later, Adam picked up.

“Adam Parrish speaking,” Adam said, his voice precise and professional over the phone. 

Ronan could only imagine what state Adam was in – hair excellent, sitting at a shiny, dark wood table, flipping through mountains of paperwork.

“Parrish,” he cleared his throat, “It’s Ronan.”

Neither of them acknowledged the fact that Adam didn’t have Ronan’s number saved. But it hit Ronan as unexpected.

“Ronan? Do you need something?” Adam sounded tense on the phone, but in a hidden way. Ronan knew.

“Yeah. I kind of needed to ta-”

Adam cut him off, cold, “is this urgent? I can’t really speak right now. I’m out of the country.” 

Ronan inhaled a breath for a beat. 

He then spoke up, “out of the country like New York or out of the country like Argentina?” Ronan asked, a grin splitting and proud.

“Out of the country like Berlin.” Adam said, unamused by his joking tone.

“Why the fuck are you in Berlin?” He put down the knife he was slicing the vegetables with.

“Things came up. We really should talk another time.”

“Yeah. Alright.” Ronan said, pushing back a feeling – one of resentment and disappointment. Did Adam ever find the time to speak to people nowadays?

“Bye,” Adam said, ending the call. He didn’t wait for Ronan to say goodbye. 

-

The next day, Ronan got up early in the morning. He heard a car arrive in the driveway before he saw it. He was sitting on the back porch, Chainsaw nipping on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

He turned to see who had arrived. 

Declan. 

Ronan sighed, looked up at the sky, and sent a little prayer up to God. He often wondered if God ever listened to him anymore. He muttered an _‘alright, then’_ , getting up to greet him.

Chainsaw welcomed Declan first, circling and cawing above his head. Declan wore a dark blue suit over a white button up, pristine and clean. He was always the epitome of put together. Ronan often thought that he slept in his suits, too.

“Hello bird,” Declan said, looking up at Chainsaw.

Ronan stopped on the front porch, leaning on the timber framing, arms linked across his chest. 

Declan walked up to him and patted him on the shoulder, “hey,” he said.

“Did you make a pact with Matthew where ya’ll just decided that neither of you would let me know when you were dropping by?” Ronan said, turning as Declan passed him and walked into the house.

Ronan walked in behind him.

“Am I not allowed to grant my brother a surprise visit once in a long while?” Declan raised his eyebrows. He had walked into the kitchen and was selecting an apple from the fruit bowl Ronan always had displayed on the counter.

“No,” Ronan said. 

Declan ignored that. He took two apples, “These washed?” 

Ronan nodded.

Declan passed him one green apple an took a bite out of the other. Ronan looked at him weird and wary, taking the apple.

Declan explained his action, “You haven’t eaten yet.”

This was true. Ronan usually wouldn’t help himself to food before all of the animals ate. He put the apple back into the bowl.

“Adam around?” Declan asked, but it seemed he already knew the answer to that.

“He’s in Berlin,” Ronan said, avoiding eye contact.

Declan’s face scrunched up in confusion, “ _Berlin?_ ”

“For work,” Ronan said. He wasn’t lying for once.

Declan raised his eyebrows, “okay,” He paused, “I just wanted to stop by before the big week. I know you can’t come to the bachelor party.” 

Declan had invited Ronan to his bachelor party weeks ago. The whole conversation was utterly horrific and embarrassing, as Declan used phrases such as _‘not your thing’_ and _‘out of your comfort zone’_. Ronan had to stop him with a hand on his shoulder, saying, _“Declan, I think I’ll be just fine if I skip a weekend full of overpriced booze and huge tits”_ , and that’s where he ended the conversation, before Declan remembered to ask whether Parrish wanted to come.

Another thing that bothered Ronan, were Declan’s overly heteronormative friends. They seemingly could never keep their mouths shut about who they had fucked over the weekend, who was making the Forbes Under Thirty list, or whose wallet was bigger. Declan had once dragged Ronan out to dinner with them, it had been torturous. Ronan had to wear a suit, albeit a black one with a t-shirt underneath, but still. Everything had been going well until Declan had mentioned Adam's name. _“Oh, you know who Ronan’s dating? Parrish. Adam Parrish. Can you believe that?”_ to which Dave (who was always overly opinionated, and overall a pompous asshole) had muttered to Kurtis, who had sat next to him, _“Adam Parrish is gay?”_ Ronan had excused himself and left five minutes after. 

Ronan didn’t know what Declan was expecting from him right now. He didn’t say anything.

“I emailed you your tickets,” Declan said.

“I’ll have them, then,” Ronan said, and the whole exchange felt sensationally awkward. 

Questions hung in the air, answers were hidden and locked away. Ronan didn’t know how to feel about that. He loved Declan. He just didn’t like him was all.

Declan sighed, “Alright, well. Give me a call when you get to the airport, alright?”

“I will,” Ronan said.

Declan got up, threw the uneaten half of his apple into the bin served for waste for the animals to eat, “I’ll be on my way then.”

As Ronan walked with him on his way to the car, Declan said, “You busy for the rest of the week?”

Ronan looked up into the sky, “Yeah. I gotta drive to Fairfax tomorrow.”

Ronan’s vet was in Fairfax. Two of his goats needed to be checked.

Declan nodded, opening the car door, “Right.”

He kept the car door open, looking at Ronan. Ronan felt his stare, but wasn’t intimidated. He lowered his gaze too. They looked at each other, probably for the first time.

“I’m happy you made time, Ronan,” Declan said. He didn’t specify, but Ronan knew he meant the wedding.

“God. You knew I’d come.”

“Yeah. But Guam.”

Ronan knew what Declan was hinting at. The whole Guam situation had made Ronan uneasy. Not because the wedding was to take place on an island, but because it wasn’t in a church. Ronan had been so angry, he had rudely said to Declan, _“Mom wouldn’t be happy with this”_ to which Declan had responded, _“Mom would’ve been happy with anything we chose.” “God isn’t, though.”_ Declan had only sighed and said, _“Ronan, God is happy for me for the first time in my goddamned life.”_ And they had left it at that, Ronan later thinking whether it sounded like _“Dad”_ when he said _“God”_.

“Guam’s good. Guam’s fine.”

Declan half-smiled. He got into the car, his window still down.

“I’ll see you there,” Declan said.

“Yep. Monday,” Ronan put his hands in his pockets. Declan started the car and Ronan turned to walk away.

As Ronan walked toward the house, he heard the engine turn off, and then heard behind him, “Ronan!”

He turned, Declan was still sitting in the car. He had a hand out the window, gesturing him to come over.

“Can I see that calf?” He asked once Ronan was close enough to hear.

Ronan stilled. 

“Sure.” He said, and Declan got out of the car. 

They walked towards the barn together. “Do you remember that time we slept in this barn with dad for a whole weekend?” Declan asked.

The sky was grey above them.

“I do,” Ronan said, thinking about it.

But Declan told him the story anyway.


	3. Speaking of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter: mention of past death.
> 
> Guys, I managed to push out this chapter because I was too afraid my thoughts would leave me. I'm sorry if it seems a bit rushed. I would adore if you would give me feedback on the flashback, if you'd want more of them, because this was originally meant to be a story without flashbacks, but ohmygod I just had to add that scene. I know I let loose a bit on that part and it turned out to be a bit dramatique, but oh well.  
> I hope all of you are staying safe and looking after yourselves.  
> Edit: I completely forgot that it’s normal to keep your shoes on in the house in the US. My apologies.

The drive from Fairfax was a long one. Ronan was stressed to the bone. He had had to stop at a gas station twice just to sit in the car for a short while and rest his head on the steering wheel.

The vet had diagnosed both of the poor kids with coccidiosis, as Ronan had suspected. They were squirming and bleating the whole time they were going through their check up’s – Ronan has slipped out a few “fuck’s” and “dammit’s” in the vet’s office while trying to hold them down, but ultimately they had calmed down under his touch.

He had called Gerry on Saturday afternoon, asking him to feed the animals and put the chickens in the hen house for the night – Ronan had been so exhausted he had decided to drive back to the Barns on Sunday morning. He had stayed in a motel.

He had to leave the goats in Fairfax for the whole week – they needed constant care and attention, and as Ronan had to leave for the next week ( _Thank you, Declan_ ), he had decided that leaving them with the vet was the best option.

As he pulled up to the Barns, his electronica beating horrifically through the air inside the car, he noticed another vehicle parked in the driveway.

“The hell?” he said to himself, quietly, parking his car next to the one which was already there. 

He certainly didn’t need any visitors right now. Ronan welcomed people at the farm on a regular basis – he did run a business after all. He had Henry set up the website for him, both detailing the prices of the products and visitor’s hours. Families with kids would come quite often, which Ronan always welcomed.

But this certainly was not the time. With a difficult weekend behind him, and the horror of the wedding lurking right in front of him, he did not feel like speaking to anyone.

Sighing, he got out of the car, but couldn’t notice anyone around. The Barns were soulless, the breeze still and bare around him. He locked the car turned to walk towards the Barns. 

Looking up at the entrance of the house, he stopped in his tracks.

Adam was sitting on the front porch, Chainsaw settled on his right shoulder comfortably. He walked up to them, confusion written all over his face.

Ronan couldn’t settle on a greeting, so he opted for, “that’s _your_ car?”

He pointed to the black Mercedes. It was a nice car, Ronan would say.

Adam stood up and dusted his hands on his sides, “Hi, Ronan. Yes, that’s my car.”

Ronan, discreetly, looked him up and down. Adam was wearing black chinos with a black button-up shirt, and held what seemed like a cream coloured wool coat.

Ronan snorted, looked at the car and then back at Adam, “Fair. What are you doing here?”

In the Barns, Ronan had always thought, Adam’s features stood out – his face angular and astute against the backdrop. If Ronan stripped him of the smart clothing and put a smile on his face, he would have thought that he had stepped through a time machine.

“I called you. And texted you. And emailed you, six times,” Adam said. Chainsaw, catching his tense tone, flew away into the trees. Her feathers disappeared into the leaves, her shape now a part of the forest.

Ronan exhaled, looking at the ground. His mucky boots were a stark contrast to Adam’s polished derby shoes. He momentarily felt embarrassed but pushed the feeling away.

Ronan and Adam used to get each other. That’s what they used to say to people when they had asked. “ _Oh, how did you two start dating?_ ” Ronan would shrug and let Adam speak, and he’d always land on the same answer; “ _It just worked out_.” 

They used to be two sides of the same coin. The same card, one of them just reversed. Now, as Ronan noticed their differences, they perhaps weren’t even the same currency. Certainly not the same card. They weren’t even in the same deck, as far as Ronan was concerned.

Ronan stood up straight. “My phone was off. I was gone for the weekend,” he said.

“We should talk. I thought I’d come ‘round,” Adam said, cocking his head. A silent plea for Ronan to look up at him, perhaps.

Ronan nodded and walked past him, a silent invitation into the house.

Adam took his shoes off – Ronan did not. They walked into the kitchen, Adam following him as if he had never been there before. Ronan did not miss the way Adam was looking around, looking for familiarities. In the kitchen, he looked outside, through the window.

Ronan reached for the kettle, “tea?” he asked.

“Sure,” Adam said, settling on a bar stool in the kitchen. “This looks so nice. It’s all new,” He said, placing his coat neatly on the stool next to him.

Ronan listened to him as he filled the kettle. He turned it on, took two mugs and two glasses out of the cabinet. He filled the glasses with water and placed one on the bar in front of Adam. 

“Thanks, it is,” Ronan said, taking a sip of water, looking around as Adam had been previously.

“So, about the thing,” Adam started.

Ronan let him struggle in front of him. He put two tea bags in the mugs - green for both of them.

After Adam was silent for a few seconds, Ronan spoke up, “Yes?” 

His tone was a mockery, his eyebrows high.

“Well, I figured we should set some rules,” Adam said, “boundaries, if you will.”

 _If you will_ , Ronan thought, creating an unsaid joke inside his head. Over the years, he still couldn’t get over Adam’s acquired Gansey-ness. But Adam’s wallet was all Ronan needed to see to understand that part.

The water boiled viciously, the only sound in the cold kitchen, and Ronan poured it into the mugs, “boundaries. Yeah, alright. Go on.”

Ronan didn’t truly understand the question. What boundaries were to be set? How could you set boundaries between such borders as the ones between Ronan and Adam, between two people who were so indifferent, so distant?

“Well, first of all, I think no kissing is clear,”

Ronan grimaced. He hadn’t even thought about the notion of it.

“Obviously,” he said, passing Adam the mug, “it’s hot,”

“ _What?_ ” Adam looked at him, startled.

“The tea. It’s hot,” Ronan pointed at the mug, cool and falsely oblivious.

“Oh. Right,” Adam said.

Ronan then brushed away the moment, “That’s it? That’s the boundary?” 

“For me, yes. And obviously no further lying. No fabricated stories or whatever,” Adam said. “None of that.”

“What about the ones that are true?” Ronan said. He was now looking out the window behind him.

“Sorry?”

Ronan turned, “The stories that are true. From when we were together.”

Adam was confused, “ I don’t know what-”

Ronan cut him off, “I’m _kidding_ , Parrish. Don’t say anything to anyone. Seriously, just let Declan be jolly and piss a circle around you in front of everyone like you’re part of the family.”

Adam held back a smirk, “Don’t say it like that.”

“Adam,” Ronan said, all serious, “Declan would marry you, you’re on top of his ‘if I were into guys’ list.”

Adam let out an extraordinary laugh. Ronan had to shrug out a thought and held back a laugh himself.

“What about touching?” Adam asked.

Ronan suddenly became frustrated, and he put down his mug, “I don’t fucking know, Adam, who cares? I think people will be more suspicious if we _do_ touch.”

“Hey, don’t get all pissy on me, man. This is your fucking problem. I’m only going through with this for Declan’s sanity,” Adam said, defensive. 

Adam’s cussing sent a sense of satisfaction through Ronan. He ignored it.

“Look, Adam. We go to Guam, we act all normal. Nobody needs convincing that we’re together. I don’t give a damn what people think. Matthew’s happy. Declan’s happy. We go back to our everyday lives, then I tell them the truth, that’s it. If people ask around, be brief,” Ronan said.

Adam nodded uncertainly, “Alright.”

Ronan looked at him, “Parrish,” he said. “It’s no big deal.”

And though it was left unsaid, it floated in the air between them, Ronan and Adam both knew this one thing; the trust they had built for years was long gone.

-

_Ten years earlier…_

Ronan walked into Boyd’s, unannounced. 

He noticed the other boy’s frame right away, a lanky shape of a human sprawled underneath the car. 

Ronan leaned on the doorframe, letting himself watch Adam for a while.

The two of them hadn’t talked about anything concerning their relationship ever since the Incident. It had been a whole week since then.

What an odd thing it was, seeing Adam after everything, after the death of Ronan’s mother. After almost losing Opal and Matthew. And Gansey, of course. After almost being unmade himself. The fact that Adam was there, alive and right in front of him, sent fireworks through his veins. 

_What would I do, Adam, if you had died that day._

He remembered the horrid moment when the demon took possession of Adam, his hands leaping aggressively to tear at Ronan’s flesh. Ronan remembered his instincts leaving him.

Ronan loved to fight. When someone had started a fight with him, his instincts would innately say; _beat them until you can smell the iron in their blood, until they snarl at you in defeat, until you grin in victory; leave them with a bruise, relish in the pain of your own._

He would not even think of pounding back at Adam, even when Adam begged for him to.

Now, He swallowed, his eyes never leaving the boy.

_And what do I do, Adam, now that you’re here. You’re alive._

He straightened his posture and cleared his throat, crossing his arms. 

Adam rolled from underneath the car, almost banging his forehead into the bumper, “shit,” he muttered. He sat up.

His eyes met Ronan’s, then trailed down to his smirk.

“Hey,” he said, almost a whisper. “I didn’t see you-” He sat up straighter, “I didn’t hear you come in.” 

“I know you didn’t, Parrish,” Ronan’s smirk never faded.

“What’s up?” Adam stood up, wiping his greasy hands into his coveralls.

 _Don’t_ , Ronan thought for a split second, remembering the scent that had driven his thoughts through the roof that one night.

 _God_ , that night. Adam’s hands hadn’t left Ronan’s mouth. Ronan knew, from quite early on, that he had a thing for them. He just couldn’t picture, couldn’t process, what it would actually be like to hold Adam’s hands in his, to cradle them and touch them and _kiss_ them. Until that night, everything was a dream, and even after it all happened, Ronan wasn’t fully convinced at the time that the whole thing wasn’t a dream itself. 

“Nothing,” Ronan shook his head, “was jus’ driving by, thought I’d, you know...”

Adam raised his eyebrows, amused. 

“Well I’m,” he nodded his head into the car’s general direction, “working.”

“As per usual,” Ronan said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Yup,” Adam said.

Ronan was so excited about actually seeing Adam, he hadn’t thought about what he would _say_ past the point of seeing him. 

“You want to stay for a bit, while I work?” Adam spoke up again.

“For a bit,” Ronan shrugged and hoisted himself up onto the hood of the car.

“Lynch, careful,” Adam winced.

“Christ, what a shitbox,” Ronan slapped the roof twice, “Fuckin’ demolition derby material.”

Adam let out a quiet laugh. He laid back down on the creeper and pulled himself underneath the car.

Ronan looked down. His vision trailed along his long legs, all the way up to Adam’s coverall-covered stomach. 

“I haven’t seen you much,” Adam then said, his voice a bit muffled from beneath the car. 

Ronan eyed his knees, the sharpness of his bones, “What like, since Gansey fucking died, you mean?” 

He knew Adam had stopped whatever he was doing, as the clanking of the metal had stopped. 

“Don’t say that. God, Ronan. Don’t say shit like that,” the clinks resumed, “nobody wants to hear that. I’m serious.”

Ronan knew he was. He heard it in his voice. He wondered, for a moment, whether he should apologise.

“It’s only been a week, where did you expect to see me,” he snorted, “school?”

Adam did not snort. Or laugh. “No,” he said. “Not school,” he added.

Ronan swallowed. A silence spread between them. Ronan’s mind wandered back to all the times he wanted to go surprise Adam and pick him up from school. But that wouldn’t have made sense, as Adam had a car, and Ronan couldn’t just tell him _‘we’re going on a date, Parrish, get in.’_ Because Ronan was a spineless pussy.

“Opal’s been asking around about you,” Ronan’s lip quirked, though Adam couldn’t see him.

“Yeah?” He heard Adam’s smile seeping through his voice, like honey. A drop of affection would curl his vowels in the most beautiful ways.

“Yeah,” Ronan echoed back.

“Should come by soon, then,” Adam said, Ronan let that sit in the air.

Ronan raised his eyebrows, leaning back on the roof, his hands cradling the back of his head. “If you want to.”

It was met with a glorious laugh from beneath the car. It made Ronan’s stomach twist. He closed his eyes.

For a second, Ronan thought; _If I turned on my stomach, Adam, and wished this shitbox away, how would you look at me?_

_And how close would our lips come to be?_

Ronan tapped his boot against the hood, “Parrish,”

Adam let out a little, “hm?” in response.

 _Oh, what the hell_ , Ronan thought.

“When does your shift end?”

He heard Adam rolling from beneath the car, Ronan opened his eyes, squinting at the fluorescent light above him. He sat up, and was met with Adam’s stare.

“You’re being a weirdo. Do you wanna do something? Like now?” Adam said, wiping his hands into a dirty piece of cloth this time. He was smirking a little.

“You done?” Ronan growled, unamused. He ignored the weirdo part.

“Making fun of you? No. With this piece of crap?” He pointed at the car, “Yes.”

Ronan slid down the hood just a bit, so the tips of his toes touched the floor. His hands were propped behind him on the car. Adam smiled at him.

“I’ll go get changed,” he said.

He turned to go. Ronan leapt into a pool of hope, opportunity, foolishness, “Adam.” 

But Adam was already gone. 

Ronan shut his eyes, pulling one hand his forehead. He didn’t know how long he sat there, but when Adam came back he was still in that same position. He laid his palm back on the hood behind him.

He opened his eyes, looked up and Adam stood there, dressed in his old jeans and a white t-shirt. Ronan inhaled sharply.

_The one that created you, he thought, that’s the God I serve._

Adam looked back at Ronan, the same way Ronan was looking at Adam. He let the backpack slide off his shoulder, and laid it gently on the floor beside him. He put his hand in his pocket.

Neither of them dared to look away. Ronan cocked his head in a _‘what now, boy?’_ kind of way. Adam took it as a challenge, slowly walking over to him, so that they were an inch apart.

Ronan subconsciously opened the space between his legs wider, a private invitation. Adam stepped between them. 

“Hi,” Ronan said.

“Hi,” Adam echoed.

Adam leaned in, and closed the gap between them. 

Ronan inhaled sharply, being taken by surprise, but leaned in right away.

_God, god._

It was the softest, most chaste, closed-mouth kiss that could have taken place, but Ronan was sent into another realm as Adam pushed his fingers against the side of his neck. The smell of gasoline hit his nostrils and he put his hand atop Adam’s. They pulled away from each other. 

Up close, Adam was a summer night’s fever. He was the feeling of grazed knees after a long day of playing in the sun. He was a road sign letting you know you were in your hometown. He was the anticipation in your stomach when doing unspoken things behind closed doors. 

Ronan pulled Adam’s hand away from his neck, never letting it go. He turned it around and looked over his palm, every line drawn on intricately. Ronan traced them for a few seconds. Adam watched him do it.

Ronan then looked up at him, and let go of Adam’s hand.

He looked into his eyes, and said; “ _Acta, non verba._ ”

_Deeds, not words._

Adam tried against the grin that was itching to split across his lips, he bit the inside of his cheek.

“ _Pro tempore,_ ” Adam replied.

_For the time being._

They stared at each other for a brief moment, then Ronan cleared his throat.

“Wanna eat?” He said, trying not to smile. 

Adam let his smile go wild now, run free. He knew the effect he had on Ronan and he wore it proudly.

“Sure, why not,” Adam replied and Ronan pushed himself off the hood.

They walked out together, hands bumping against each other every now and then. Ronan had the urge to go open the car door for Adam, but pushed that thought right away, almost shaking his head. 

The car was silent as they drove.

Adam cleared his throat after a while, “I think I should tell you something.”

Ronan looked over at him, his heartbeat suddenly rabbiting in his chest, “shoot,” he gave his most neutral voice.

“I told Gansey. About the, uh, kiss,” Adam’s face turned to look at Ronan.

Ronan only shrugged.

“Cool. I told Blue,” he said.

Adam let out a small laugh, “Really?” Ronan nodded, a smile playing at his lips, “okay, then.”

Ronan shifted his eyes back to the road. Adam slowly reached over, and his index finger stroked Ronan’s white knuckles which gripped the gear shift. Ronan lifted his hand, and before Adam could retreat his own, he overlapped it over his. He placed their intertwined hands back on the gear shift, Adam’s now invisible under Ronan’s. 

Ronan stroked his knuckles, the same way Adam did his seconds ago. Ronan lifted their intertwined hands to his mouth, and before he could overthink it, placed a kiss on the knuckle of Adam’s ring finger. 

_Don’t crash the fucking car, you idiot._

Adam looked at him as he did it, tilting his head. A smile was inching its way onto his lips. Ronan let go of his hand and then there was just space between them. 

What was he playing at? What was he doing here with Adam? He had no idea. But he let the feeling settle in him; the buzzing in his heels, the fluttering in his stomach, the tingle at his spine. _I could live with this_ , he thought.

“What did he say?” Ronan said, as if nothing had happened between them just then.

“Hm?” Adam broke out of his trance.

“Gansey. What did he say when you told him?”

Adam leaned his head against the window, “Ah, he was alright. Wasn’t more shocked than me,” he said.

And they left it at that. For the time being. 

-

The Monday Ronan had been dreading had come. He drove to DC as fast as he could, traffic or not, he wanted to be there on time as Gansey had reiterated to him about twenty times. No time for additional disappointment. 

“Now, but look, that’s gorgeous. That’s gorgeous,” Gansey was saying, looking at photos on his iPad and showing them to Blue who was sat next to him.

Their flight was in two hours, and they were waiting for Henry and Adam to meet them at the airport.

“Yes, you’ve shown me,” Blue said to Gansey, balancing Arthur on her right knee. He was trying to stand on it, stubborn and insistent.

Willow and Ronan sat next to each other, two seats away from them.

“Look at this,” Ronan said to her sneakily, “I got you something.”

“Really? What is it?” She asked him, unable to contain her excitement.

Ronan pulled a bunch of colouring books out of his backpack.

She took them as he handed them to her, “Uncle Ro!”

“They’re for you.” 

“Thanks so much,” She smiled, already flicking through the pages.

Behind them, they heard a loud familiar voice.

“Well if it isn’t my favourite group of underdogs! Look at you bastards! Hello Gansey,” Henry was saying, boisterous and lively, already hugging Gansey who had stood up.

Henry wore a pair of denim shorts which were too short for Ronan’s liking, and what seemed like an expensive vintage T-shirt which said ‘Cowboy Bebop’ on the front of it in yellow cursive. He had a red bandana tied around his head like a headband.

“I will say one last time, please, for the love of God, watch your language,” Gansey said, still hugging him.

“But of course,” he said and turned to Blue, “Hi you,” he smiled and hugged her tightly, holding on to Arthur’s clenched fist in greeting to him.

Willow turned from the colouring books, “uncle Henry!”

She ran up to him and jumped in his arms, “oh boy, you’ve gotten so big!” He said to her.

“It’s only been three weeks since you last seen her,” Blue laughed.

“Ah, but Blue, look, she’s almost as tall as you already,” Ronan appeared next to them with a few colouring pencils in his hand.

“Ronan. The cowboy in the flesh,” Henry said and Ronan cringed visibly.

“Right. Hi bud. Tucson alright?” Ronan said, mid-fist bump.

Henry had been on a ‘business’ trip to Arizona a week prior. Though Henry’s idea of business could have always been anything. Nobody really knew how he made money. They were only aware that he was sort-of famous. When Blue had told Ronan this, he had laughed loudly and said, _“Henry? Famous? Fuck off,_ ” and Henry got awfully defensive (loud and proud and extremely drunk on the lavish sake he had brought from Japan), _“You fuck off! Look at this!_ ”, and he had shoved his phone into Ronan’s face, _“What do you think this is, then?” _, pointing at the blue verification tick next to his name on Instagram. Ronan had laid back and said, _“I hope you know, that means nothing to me._ ”__

__“I will have to tell you later,” he said to Ronan now, and then lowered his voice, “but knowing you, I seriously, _seriously_ doubt you will want to hear most of what went down,” __

____Ronan’s showed a look of mild disgust, “knowing you, Cheng, I too doubt I will want to hear any of it.”_ _ _ _

____Henry laughed, “alright, we’re missing the brain. Where’s Parrish?”_ _ _ _

____Gansey was looking down at his phone, “here in a bit,” he said, typing out a message._ _ _ _

____Ronan’s stomach rolled unpleasantly. He sat back down._ _ _ _

____After a while, Adam had arrived. “So sorry guys, stuck in traffic,” Ronan heard him say faintly. He turned from where he had been colouring with Willow to look at him, and they nodded at each other in greeting. Willow had left Ronan for a second to say hello to Adam herself._ _ _ _

____Ronan always felt so faraway from Adam. The gap between them had always been represented by something – a chair, a person, a kid, a country, a conversation. Ronan often thought he could reach right through him, that Adam would disappear like a ghost, only to return as something more sturdy and inaccessible._ _ _ _

____“No, Arthur’s sitting in the baby seat,” Gansey was saying to Henry, “Blue will sit next to him and I’ll be with Willow,”_ _ _ _

____“Gansey, leave it, we will figure it out on the plane,” Blue said._ _ _ _

____“But I wanna sit next to uncle Ro!” Willow said, before anyone else could intervene._ _ _ _

____Gansey looked down at her, “oh, really? Am I not as fun as uncle Ronan?”_ _ _ _

____“Uh, no way,” she said. Ronan grinned at her._ _ _ _

____“Oh God, that’s a way to create trouble,” Blue said._ _ _ _

____“Me and the kid can sit together,” Ronan said, ruffling his hand through Willow’s hair._ _ _ _

____“But you’re sitting next to Adam,” Gansey said, failing to sound as sensible as he had intended to._ _ _ _

____“So? Parrish can sit with Cheng,” Ronan said, looking at Adam and Henry through his aviators._ _ _ _

____Adam only turned to Henry, “don’t you dare try to quiz me on random trivia again,”_ _ _ _

____He then walked away into the duty-free shop, his suitcase rolling effortlessly beside him._ _ _ _

____Henry ran and caught up to him, Ronan only heard, “how about law trivia,” and Adam’s, “no.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s sixteen hours, Ronan, you sure you want to sit with her?” Blue asked him._ _ _ _

____“Blue,” he turned to her, “sixteen hours with your favourite godchild,” he said, “versus sixteen hours with your worst ex,” he pushed his aviators up his nose, “you think about it.”_ _ _ _


	4. Confessions of an Astral Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. First of all, I completely realise that this chapter is extremely overdue. What can I say, I was swamped with uni work these past few weeks, and upcoming exams aren't helping either. I hope this chapter makes up for it a little bit. Trigger warnings for this chapter include: alcohol intake, smoking, mentions of vomiting, depressive thoughts.  
> Edit: italics are being a bitch in this chapter and I have no idea why, so please bear with me as I figure it out.

The journey from the airport to the resort was terrible at best. On Willow’s insistence, Ronan had to sit in the back seat with her. It was Ronan’s natural predisposition to sit behind steering wheels – he had no clue of Gansey’s plan on already driving there himself, who had laughed lightly at Ronan’s proposition to drive them in the minivan.

They were now standing in the lobby of the resort, all tired, apart from Henry, who had drank six Redbulls on the flight and still managed to fit in an uninterrupted sleep the past few hours. The kids were both asleep in the Gansey’s arms, soundless and dreamful.

Ronan spun around, counting everyone as he did.

“Where’s Henry?” he asked, directing the question to Blue more so than to anyone else.

“He went to take a piss,” Adam responded to him instead, his eyes glued on his phone the whole time, a gaunt elbow resting on the handle of his suitcase elegantly.

Ronan checked his phone, the texts from Declan glared at him through the bright screen.

“Declan and Jordan went scuba diving,” he said, pocketing his phone, “they’ll be back in an hour, said we should check in in the mean time.”

Gansey turned to him carefully, not to disturb the child sleeping in his arms, “Alright.”

He trotted away towards the reception, cradling Blue’s arm in his – more reflect than conscious will. 

“Adam,” Ronan said, but as Adam lifted his head to look at him, Henry came into their vision, and with him his loud voice.

“The toilets here,” he made an excessive gesture that Ronan could only comprehend as positive, “impeccable. Everything is marble.”

Ronan looked at him, uninterested. “You should check in.”

Henry ignored this, pulling out his phone, and showing Ronan a photo of what looked like a public restroom sink.

Ronan looked at the phone, then at him. “Henry,” he only said. There was not enough time in the world to tell Henry that Ronan could not care less about the bathroom sinks. And why would he explain? Henry knew it, and it would never stop him.

“Check in,” he said, repeating Ronan, but still showed the photo to Adam, who was still preoccupied with his own phone.

Adam only nodded his head at it, equally uninterested as Ronan.

Henry walked away from them, smiling at his phone as he sent it to someone through text.

“Adam,” Ronan said. Same voice. Same distance.

Adam looked at him, finally putting his phone away, “Yes, Ronan.”

“We should check in.”

Adam looked at him, and nodded his head towards the reception, where Henry was already checking in. Blue and Gansey must have gotten their key and gone up to their room already.

Adam didn’t say anything, only walked towards the reception with his careful stride, a hand in his pocket.

Ronan caught up with him, and as they stood behind Henry, he felt a nervousness in his stomach. A feeling that irked him. 

Henry was very obviously chatting up the poor receptionist, who was clueless to his endeavours.

“Sir, excuse me, there is a line behind you,” she said, more polite than Ronan could ever imagine being.

Neither Ronan or Adam could see Henry’s face, but Ronan assumed it spilt into a grin, because he knew well enough that no rejection in the world would faze Henry in any way.

He moved along, saying a handsome goodbye to her.

Ronan took two steps forward, Adam only a step behind. “Hi, I have a reservation for Lynch?” He said, “Ronan Lynch,” he added. He was not the only Lynch on the island.

The woman, Rebecca, according to her tag, smiled at him, “of course, let me check that for you,” she said, already working her pointy nails through the keyboard.

Ronan tapped his fingers against the grey marble counter, “thanks.”

“Alright. You have an ensuite double room for two people, yes?” 

Ronan’s heart stopped and his eyes widened slightly, “excuse me?”

He couldn’t see Adam behind him, but he felt his head snap.

“An ensuite double room for two people, this was reserved for Mr. Ronan Lynch by Mr. Declan Lynch, the system tells me,” she said, almost apologetic, already feeling like she had been mistaken, checking again.

Ronan swallowed, fisting his hand. “Could you give me a moment?” he said, already turning away.

He only heard her say, “certainly,” as he snatched Adam’s forearm, pulling him away towards a giant marble pillar.

“Ronan?” Adam said, a question. But he already knew the answer.

Ronan inhaled a breath, “Declan made the reservations,” Ronan started.

“I thought you said you did,”

Ronan looked at him, incredulous, “I never said that.”

Adam lowered his voice, “You said it was taken cared of. I thought you meant taken care of by _you_.”

Ronan tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling which seemed to have a mural on it. “No. Declan took care of it. He refused me to pay for it myself.”

He looked for an angel, a God, Mother Mary. None of the faces on the ceiling showed any sign of them.

Adam’s jaw fell open, “And it never occurred to you that he would book a double room for the two of us?”

Ronan lowered his head, but refused to look at Adam, “No, honestly. No.”

“Ronan,” Adam said, putting a hand to his forehead. “You’re an idiot. You’re such a careless idiot.”

Ronan couldn’t disagree. This was his fault, and his fault only. He thought for a single second that if he were dead, all the blame would never exist in the first place. Right now, he would swap his life for it.

“I’ll just ask her to change the reservation,” he said.

He didn’t let Adam respond, and walked back up to the reception.

“Sorry about that,” he said, “Are there any single rooms available?”

Adam appeared next to him, “A twin room would work as well.”

She held a sensitive look on her face, “I don’t think so. But I can check.” 

Ronan watched her type and scroll for a minute.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lynch, all the rooms are booked. There is a wedding happening this week.”

Ronan nodded his head, “Yeah. I know.”

He looked at Adam, who had already heard what Rebecca said. Ronan and him had grown far apart, but he’d be able to read Adam’s look of disappointment for the rest of eternity. 

-

_Ten years earlier..._

“Come on, you dick,” Blue said to Ronan, “just tell me.”

“No,” he said, as Chainsaw sat in his lap and gobbled down the potato chips he had been feeding her.

They were spending their afternoon at Monmouth, while Gansey and Adam were out and about. They had told them they were going to the library, to which Blue had scoffed and shoved them out the door.

She was laying on Gansey’s unmade bed, while Ronan made comfortable on the floor with Chainsaw.

Blue rolled onto her stomach, “please.” 

She was looking at Ronan, a cat’s smile.

“Fuck, why are you so insistent on knowing the details of my sex life? With your ex-boyfriend, you freak,” he said.

“Ha! Ex-boyfriend. Such a boyfriend he was to me,” she said, looking at a potted plant on the windowsill that Adam had given him as a gift.

Ronan had thought it outrageous. _“Jesus, parrish,” _he had said, _“Don’t get me stuff. Don’t get weird with me now.” _Adam had responded with an eyeroll, _“shut up and take the plant, you idiot.” _Ronan had taken it, and was looking up how to care for it two hours later.______

_____ _

_____ _

__Ronan looked at Blue. “You got your own flowers. And look what you did, went on to fool around with his best friend,” he laughed._ _

__“There was no fooling around,” she laughed and paused for a second, before saying, “but for real, Ronan. Did you guys...?”_ _

__Ronan looked at her, all stormy and serious, “yes, we did it. Here. In my room. On the carpet. Gansey’s bed.”_ _

__Blue didn’t need to hear more, “you’re disgusting.”_ _

__They stayed silent for a moment, and Ronan felt a vulnerability, and within it an opportunity of sorts._ _

____He has freckles. On his shoulders._ _ _ _

__Blue stared at him, waiting for him to speak. But he couldn’t. The words became dust in his mouth, and he was left to swallow them dry, only for them to lay back down in the hollow of his stomach._ _

__She wanted to hear more, for Ronan to open up, but even a raise of an eyebrow would frighten him to death then. Where was his head? Perhaps he was sitting on Adam’s shoulder, staring at the freckles like he would at cattle, feeding on dry weeds. Or he was sprawled upon his breast, looking up at them as if counting stars in a sky. A thought was a scary thing, but Ronan would never speak of it. He never could._ _

__They laid there for a moment. The sun poured over them through the glass, dust dancing around them like fairies._ _

__Ronan then spoke up, “it was nice.”_ _

__Blue looked back at him, and perhaps she had been thinking about something completely different._ _

__She laid there, waiting for more. Nothing about the conversation really spoke of Adam to her. She only wanted Ronan to confess. She had wanted him to know that he had somebody who listened._ _

__

__-_ _

__

___Meanwhile, at Nino’s…_ _ _

__“So, how is everything going?” Gansey asked Adam, breaking a toothpick in two and placing it in the centre of his plate neatly._ _

__Adam lifted his eyes at him, “good. I sent all my applications, so.”_ _

__“And Ronan?”_ _

__Adam snorted, “you and I both know _very well_ that Ronan isn’t going anywhere.”_ _

__Gansey said, “of course I know that. I mean, _how is it_? You and Ronan? All well, I wish?”_ _

__Adam raised an eyebrow now, never looking at Gansey, his eyes scanning the restaurant and the people around them. He felt a prying smile and a bubble in his stomach. Of course, they were all bark and no bite. They would not show._ _

__“Well,” Adam said, but didn’t continue._ _

__Gansey’s face fell, “is something wrong? Are you guys-”_ _

__Adam cut him off, the smile came out with almost a giggle, but thankfully not. “Gansey. _God._ Yes. It’s good,” he shoved his face in his shoulder, looking around, “it’s going well.”_ _

__Gansey lit up. Adam stared at him for a moment. What a charm he was, this child-like man, wise beyond his years but vulnerable as a babe when near wasps. He carried the glow of a picturesque soldier ready for war, but he could make any sharpened weapon look soft. He remembered that time a few weeks ago, when Ronan had told him of his slight crush on Gansey, which was years back._ _

__Adam shook his head, dropping it. He smiled at his almost-empty plate._ _

__“Oh,” Gansey said, perhaps reddening a little too. “That well, then.”_ _

__Adam rolled his eyes again._ _

__“You know, Ronan won’t speak to me about it. At all, just shuts me off whenever I even mention your name,” Gansey said._ _

__“Ronan’s...” Adam started, but what could he say? A thousand ways to describe Ronan there was, but not a single one put in words would hold up to his true wonder. Gansey knew this, too._ _

__“Yes,” he nodded._ _

__They looked at each other._ _

__Gansey then spoke again, his tone shifting to serious, “I do not mean to father anyone.”_ _

__“I know that,” Adam said, “but you have tendencies.”_ _

__Gansey nodded. There was an unsaid apology, taken and accepted._ _

__“Just, look out for him,” Gansey said, and it was the last time he would speak of it, they knew._ _

__Adam, thinking of the previous night he had spent at the Barns, said, “he’s more tender than you think.”_ _

__And Gansey knew what he meant, he had seen their luminous eyes and ruddy cheeks of delight the morning they had returned back to Monmouth on Monday._ _

__Gansey had then sat in the delight of a new knowledge, the fact that his friends had taught him something new; love, where it truly lay, was not hard to spot._ _

__

__-_ _

__

__Ronan had not unpacked a single bag since they had entered the room. It was a marvel, of course, screaming fancy and lavish. A chandelier graced the ceiling. The bed was enormous – Ronan had thought, upon seeing it, that sleeping should not be such a problem after all._ _

__But Ronan did not trust his thoughts._ _

__He sat in the cream armchair next to the window, scrolling through his Instagram. He had already checked Henry’s story – a mirror selfie of himself in the same restrooms he had been praising earlier. He decided to caption it _‘Catch me throwing up in here later today.’_ Ronan was thankful, for the sake of Henry’s following, that he had only posted it for his close friends._ _

__Adam was on his feet, unpacking what seemed like an ungodly amount of dress shirts. Ronan’s attention switched from the phone to Adam._ _

__“You know we’re only here for a week, right?”_ _

__Adam, who was surprised, turned his head in his direction. His expression stoned Ronan. “You should unpack,” he said._ _

__Ronan was stirred by his coldness. Outside, the afternoon sun was beaming viciously. The inside of the room was a cold blizzard._ _

__“Are you gonna have a stick up your ass for the rest of the week?” Ronan asked him._ _

___Stupid question, Ronan._ He thought to himself. _He’ll have one up his ass as long as he shall live.__ _

__Adam threw the shirt he was folding onto the bed, “Are you fucking serious?”_ _

__Ronan crossed his legs, so his ankle rested at his knee. He would not have any of this._ _

__“I’m just asking, so I know whether I should sleep on the floor,” he said, but his tone aimed to snap and harm._ _

__Adam scoffed, “you’re quite ridiculous,” he placed his arms on his hips. “This is so, _so_ , beyond fucked up.”_ _

__Ronan’s voice was monotone, “and so, we agree.”_ _

__“Yeah, no. You, unlike me, don’t give a shit. You don’t really give a shit about anyone, do you?” Adam said, his voice getting louder by the second. Ronan nodded along as he said it, letting Adam perform his little show._ _

__Ronan stared at him, because there was nothing to say. Ronan had been spinning a lie for years. A lie that would hurt him and Adam, and both of his brothers. He couldn’t say he gave a shit, because Adam wouldn’t believe the words as they’d tumble out his mouth._ _

__Meanwhile, Adam’s living depended on giving a shit. He cared so much he had found a way to be paid for it._ _

__Ronan stood up from the armchair. “I’ll sleep on the floor, then,” he said, walking towards the door._ _

__“Sleep in the goddamn bathtub, for all I care,” Ronan heard Adam say, as he slammed the bedroom door shut._ _

__He walked a few strides across the hallway, but had to stop himself._ _

__Ronan recalled a thing he noticed in the room, as he glanced it while storming out. It was the pouch Adam had carried his – Persephone’s – tarot deck in._ _

__He leaned his back against the wall next to him. He felt the sun setting outside, his heart along with it. He felt like vomiting._ _

__He shook the feeling away, and managed to push himself off the wall._ _

__Ten minutes and five questions later, he found his way to the hotel bar downstairs. The whole room was lit up like a Christmas tree, all red and gold._ _

__He stopped his feet for a second, scanning the place with his eyes._ _

__He heard someone shout his name, but he couldn’t place it. It sounded like many different voices merged into one._ _

__His head snapped to the bar, and he could immediately put the voices to the faces. Henry, Declan, Matthew and Hennessy were all sitting at the bar._ _

__He walked up to them, saying, “well, shit,” once they were in earshot._ _

__Matthew was the only one who stood up to greet him, smashing his shorter frame into Ronan’s chest. He sported a man-bun, as he usually would these days. Ronan hated it, not because it didn’t suit him, but because he couldn’t get a fistful of his hair and ruffle it to annoy him._ _

__“Hi,” he said to all of them, but mostly to Matthew. Every time they hugged, it felt like Matthew pulled a slice of rage out of him._ _

__“We thought you had gone to sleep,” Declan said. Ronan took a step to side-hug him, and moved to do the same with Hennessy._ _

__“Come on, we know Ronan doesn’t sleep,” she said, pinching his cheek as he pulled away from her._ _

__Henry tapped the empty bar stool next to him, a gesture for Ronan to sit, “I sure hope he does, with all the unread text messages and unanswered calls.”_ _

__Ronan sat down next to Henry, while Matthew went to retrieve his drink from Hennessy’s side to go sit next to Ronan._ _

__“Oh, do you know him at all?” Declan said to Henry, before taking a sip of his beer._ _

__Hennessy was drinking what looked like a martini, while Henry had a display of five empty shot glasses on the bar in front of him._ _

__“I’m ordering us a drink, yes? Yes.” Henry said, already addressing the waiter a second later._ _

__Ronan laughed a little. “Sure,” he said._ _

__Matthew addressed him then, “Henry said your flight was good?”_ _

__Ronan’s head bobbed sideways, “Henry sat next to Adam, while I sat next to Willow. Our experiences aren’t comparable.”_ _

__The fact that Ronan hadn’t sat next to Adam didn’t seem questionable to neither Matthew or Declan, but if it did, neither of them had shown it._ _

__Henry passed a shot glass filled to the brim to Ronan, saying, “Have at it,” he said._ _

__Ronan took the drink and smelled it, recognising it as tequila. He almost downed it when Henry said, “wait! We need to drink to something,”_ _

__“You already drank to Declan and Jordan’s marriage five times,” Hennessy said._ _

__“I hate odd numbers. Let’s do six, and then we’ll think of something else to drink six times to,” Henry said._ _

__Declan muttered an “alright,” while Hennessy and Matthew both laughed._ _

__They all took their drinks in their hands._ _

__Henry cleared his throat, “To a glowy, delightful, lifelong marriage. We bless Jordan with all that she longs for, and pat Declan on the back for snagging a good one,” he said._ _

__Ronan momentarily thought himself dumb for not realising Henry was completely drunk before hearing what he had just said, but he laughed along with the others, saying, “yeah, that.”_ _

__Their glasses met in unity with a clink, and they downed their drinks together._ _

__

__-_ _

__

__A few hours later, Ronan had come to the realisation that he won’t remember plenty from that night. An hour after his first shot, Hennessy and Declan had retrieved to their rooms, saying they were tired._ _

__What had followed was Ronan, Matthew and Henry spending their time and money on copious amounts of alcohol. After midnight, Henry had started insisting on kissing every shot glass he had drank, telling Matthew and Ronan he was ‘blessing’ the shot glasses. _“The only thing you’re blessing them with is stupidity,”_ he said, snatching them out of Henry’s hands, _“You should kiss them too,”_ Henry had only said to him, shoving a single shot glass into the pocket of his denim shorts. Ronan had laughed out loud at that, saying, _“That’s low,”_ while Matthew couldn’t stop wheezing with laughter to the point where he had almost fallen off his bar stool._ _

__At half past one in the morning, Matthew was talking to a redhead in a yellow dress at the other end of the bar._ _

__Henry put his head on the bar. “I could absolutely sleep here,” he said._ _

__Ronan sipped his beer, “might as well. I’ll stay with you.” He knew he was drunk, but nowhere near as much as Henry was._ _

__Henry’s head shot up suddenly. “ _Man._ ”_ _

__Ronan put the beer down, “what?”_ _

__“Alright. We gotta go. I’m gonna give you something,” Henry said to him, pushing his index finger into Ronan’s chest and pushing himself off the bar stool._ _

__“What? Where the fuck are you going?” Ronan said, getting off of his too, to follow Henry._ _

__“Come on, cow-lover,” Henry said, waving to the waiter with one hand and pulling Ronan out of the bar with the other. Ronan snorted at ‘cow-lover’ and let himself be pulled. He was too drunk to question._ _

__Henry led them outside, through the hotel lobby, to the back entrance of the hotel. They walked past the enormous lit-up pool._ _

__“Do you feel sick?” Ronan stood and asked him._ _

__Henry turned to look at him, never stopping, “What? No. Come along.”_ _

__He walked outside the gates up to the beach, and as Ronan followed him, he could already feel the sand inside his shoes._ _

___What the hell_ , he thought to himself, and took his shoes off, leaving them up at the gate._ _

__He ran up to Henry. They were halfway through the beach now, the sea only a few strides away._ _

__Henry suddenly stopped and looked up at the sky. Ronan couldn’t see well in the dark of the night, but the moon gave him an impression that Henry had closed his eyes._ _

__“Now, breathe,” Henry said._ _

__Ronan folded his arms, and turned to look at the sea, “man, you’re drunk.”_ _

__Henry sat down in the sand. It was just the two of them._ _

__“A tad,” he laughed._ _

__Ronan sat down next to him. While Henry’s legs were sprawled a meter apart from each other in front of him, Ronan’s were bent at the knees. He rested his elbows on them._ _

__Henry laughed at nothing, saying, “well, if you’re not a fan of fresh air,” he searched for something in his pocket._ _

__Henry pulled out a pack of cigarettes, “ _voila_ , as the French say. Ta-da, as we Americans do.”_ _

__Ronan’s head rolled back with a laugh. Henry threw the pack in the sand between them. Ronan picked it up._ _

__“Where’d you get these?” Ronan asked, opening the pack. There were only a few left, and Henry had kept a lighter in the pack._ _

__“ _I asked an old lady to buy them for me_ ,” he said in a mocking tone, “Where do you think? I bought them. These are old as fuck.”_ _

__He snatched them from Ronan._ _

__Neither of them were smokers, but after the first time Henry had gotten drunk at Monmouth ten years ago, it had sort of become tradition for the two of them to smoke when they were drunk. Most of the cigarettes Ronan had smoked in his lifetime were shared with alcohol and Henry._ _

__Henry took two out of the pack and handed one to Ronan. He lit both of them. Ronan took a single drag and let it fill his lungs, breathing it out a second later._ _

__“Oh, sick!” Henry said, pulling something else out of his pocket. It was the stolen shot glass._ _

__He placed it in between them, pushing it into the sand for some stability. He tapped off the ash in it. Ronan breathed a laugh._ _

__Henry laid down, smoking the cigarette. Ronan sat. They breathed in the salty air along with the smoke in unison._ _

__After a moment, Henry said, “I’m sorry you’re in this shitty situation.”_ _

__Ronan turned his head, not to look at him but to hear him better. He didn’t say anything._ _

__“The Adam-Declan thing,” Henry said, putting the cigarette to his lip._ _

__Ronan tipped a bit of ash into the shot glass. “Yeah.”_ _

__“Is Adam upset?” Henry asked._ _

__“Oh, Parrish’s upset, alright.”_ _

__Henry sat up, nodding his head, “I assumed as much.”_ _

__Ronan could feel the alcohol in his blood now more than before. He didn’t know whether it was the cigarette’s doing, or the mention of Adam’s name._ _

__Ronan took another drag, and as he released the smoke, he said, “He hates me.”_ _

__Henry seemed out of it, and he was. Ronan knew Henry wouldn’t fathom how much upset Ronan had caused._ _

__Ronan put out the cigarette in the makeshift ashtray, and dropped it in there._ _

__“Adam’s a brittle beast. Says things,” Henry shook his head as he talked, “says things he shouldn’t, sometimes.”_ _

__Ronan only nodded._ _

__“But,” Henry said, taking a last drag and putting his cigarette out, “so do you.” He looked at Ronan._ _

__Ronan, of course, knew this. He had learned to speak earlier than most children, but hadn’t managed to use the words properly in thirty years._ _

__He hated that Henry had dragged him out onto the beach and made him speak of Adam. But Henry could do anything. _That goddamned son of a bitch could do anything in the world.__ _

__Henry perhaps sensed that what he said was enough, and stood up. “Join me, If you’d like.”_ _

__Ronan scrunched his eyebrows at him, ready to ask a question._ _

__Henry walked towards the sea, taking off his shirt and throwing it onto the sand as he went. Ronan sat, bewildered. He was drunk enough to smoke on the beach, but certainly not drunk enough to swim in the sea at two in the morning with Henry._ _

__“You crazy bastard,” he said, but he knew Henry couldn’t hear him. He was now standing in front of the ocean in his underwear._ _

__In a split of a second, Henry’s boxers came off, too, and Ronan was now looking at Henry Cheng’s naked ass in the moonlight._ _

__Ronan laughed and fell into the sand. He couldn’t do anything. This was Henry’s world, and he was just living in it._ _

__Henry yelled, “it’s fucking cold!”_ _

__But Ronan could not see him anymore._ _

__His eyes were fixed at the stars above him. He thought of counting them until he fell asleep, but there were too many. He knew that sleeping there, in the coarse sand, would hurt less than sleeping in the spacious bed with Adam. He thought of him for a moment, not the Adam he knew now, but the Adam from ten years ago. He looked at the stars, memorising them, and shut his eyes._ _

__Deep beneath his sockets, he rearranged them into a constellation he knew far better._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how many of ya'll caught on that this would be that "we fucking hate each other but we're being forced to sleep in the same bed" type of fic. It is now. I want to say that I know that these chapters lack Ronan/Adam content, but come on, they absolutely despise each other. It'll come, in good time. You guy's must have caught on by now that I'm obsessed with Henry. Shamelessly so. I like the idea of Ronan being a grown-up and actually bonding with people. I'll end this by saying that I wish you guys health and safety in these awful times. Next chapter should be up around the same time next week.  
> Edit: Also! Almost forgot! You guys can check me out on tumblr under @/spacecowboyparrish, If you’d like. Tumblr is sort of the whole reason why this whole fic is a thing lol. So feel free to message me, I’m much more likely to interact on there.


	5. The Art of Saying Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I wrote another one. I'm kind of getting the hang of time management, it seems. I want to say, thanks so much for the lovely feedback. I love reading your comments! I don't think this chapter requires any specific trigger warnings, but if you find that it does, please do let me know.

It took Ronan and Henry about two hours to get off the beach, even after sobering up. Henry had insisted that they stay there and sleep through the night. But Ronan had disagreed to do so. _“Get up, Cheng,”_ he had said, and Henry had dug his heels further into the wet sand, saying, _“Come on man, lay down.”_

Ronan had kicked a lump of sand onto his stomach, _“This isn’t legal, I’m sure,”_ he said, and Henry had opened his eyes wide, saying, _"And since when does Ronan Lynch care for legality?”_

Ronan had gotten fed up by it, he hadn’t understood what Henry tried to aim at with the statement. He only turned to leave, muttering, _“We’re twenty-nine, Cheng.”_

Apparently it had worked, because they were now tiptoeing their way back to their rooms. This was now also taking a lot of effort, as both of them had forgotten their floor and room numbers. 

They stood in the elevator like two idiots, Henry sea-wet and Ronan looking like himself, which was odd enough. 

“Damn it,” Henry laughed, trying to steady himself in the elevator with an outstretched arm.

He looked in the mirror momentarily, smiling at himself.

Ronan patted his pocket for his phone, when the realisation struck him.

“Oh,” he said, pulling out his room key, which was just a card, and showed it to Henry. “Key.”

Henry looked at the key, then at Ronan. Back at the key.

Ronan waited for him.

“Oh!” 

Ronan only shook his head.

“Yeah, oh,” he looked at the numerals on the card, “floor six.”

Ronan punched the number and the elevator doors closed, “Got yours?”

Henry took his key out of the pocket of his denim shorts, showing it to Ronan, who only nodded.

They walked out of the elevator and said their goodnights, but as Ronan stepped up in front of his and Adam’s room, he stilled.

He watched Henry open his room at the end of the hallway and salute him quietly. Once Henry’s door shut, Ronan turned to face his door.

He took out his phone and checked the time: 4:26 in the morning. A small breath left his lips. He pocketed his phone and quietly opened the door.

The room was dim, sun wasn’t rising yet, but it wasn’t sleeping anymore, either. Adam’s frame was covered by the thin bedding, a curve-less silhouette in the dark, facing the wall.

Ronan looked around, squinting, and shut the door as silently as possible. He took off his shoes – he’d worry about the sand later. He realised, while doing so, that he was still not completely sober.

He undid his jeans, throwing them into the armchair (he had now claimed it his own for the week, even though it would obviously suit Adam better) and did the same with his black T-shirt.

“Ronan?” 

Ronan startled.

“Did I wake you?” Ronan asked. He stood there, looking at Adam’s frame.

Adam turned to face him. Ronan couldn’t make out his face, and he wondered whether twenty-nine year old Adam would look different at four in the morning than nineteen year old Adam.

“No, I,” Adam said, “I sleep on my right ear.”

Ronan heard the unfinished statement inside his head. _You know that, Ronan._

He nodded, though he was positive Adam couldn’t see him.

Adam spoke up again, “I thought you went to sleep in Henry’s or Matthew’s.”

Ronan shook his head. He felt suddenly naked in front of Adam, white as a ghost in the blue-dimmed room.

“We had some drinks,” Ronan said. He wanted to sit down at least, he felt watched now that Adam was turned to him. He wished he had never taken off his T-shirt in the first place.

Adam snorted, “Oh, boy.”

Ronan didn’t say anything, because in his vulnerability he felt the need to move immediately. He stepped up to the bed on his side and picked up the cold pillow.

“What’re you doin’?” Adam asked.

Ronan looked at him. The moment felt very airless, too uncomfortable.

“Sleeping.” Ronan dropped the pillow on the floor next to the bed.

Adam turned so he now faced the ceiling, and closed his eyes.

“Don’t be an idiot,” he said. “Sleep in the bed. We’re adults.”

Ronan wondered whether Adam was referring to the times they had slept at St. Agnes - Ronan pushed into the creaky wooden floorboards, while Adam would be asleep in his small bed, dead as the night.

Before they had loved each other – before they had known they had loved each other – every movement and action would become uncertain to both of them. Before they had even started dating, Ronan would set foot into St. Agnes with such caution, he could almost call it a prayer. 

There had been a buzzy night when Ronan had come to surprise Adam with a six pack of beers, two of them already running through his bloodstream. Ronan would kick the chemistry textbook – the bane of his existence – under Adam’s wooden bed and toss Adam a can, so he would have no other choice but to drink with him.

Hours later, Adam would say to him, _“stay.”_ And he would say it to naturally, so innately, that it would frighten Ronan.

He would feel like a scarecrow in a crop field, unmoveable and still as a cliff. He would say to Adam, _“okay.”_ The alcohol would speak, not him, because he knew a Lynch should typically refuse such a small room above a saint’s eye to accommodate two grown boys. But Ronan would leave it, and only reiterate, _“okay. okay.”_

Ronan would always, with every visit, find himself the scarecrow in the field again – his mouth zipped and legs still, as if seeping through quicksand. But he would never feel like he wanted to scare away the pests. Every time the deer got closer and closer, they looked more and more beautiful. 

Such a thing Adam had been to him. A beautiful deer in the pitch black sea of Ronan’s solitude.

Ronan felt still now. It became so dark he didn’t know whether his eyes were open anymore.

“You said-”

“We’re not children. Get in the bed.”

When Ronan didn’t do so, Adam opened his eyes.

“Lynch.”

Ronan sighed and threw the pillow back onto the bed. He stumbled back to the armchair and put his T-shirt back on. Whether Adam noticed, he did not know, but if he did, he didn’t say a word.

Ronan laid in the bed, not covering himself. If he could hover over it and not touch anything, he would. But he was not the one in this room to spin such magic.

He heard Adam swallow next to him. So close, and although he had stood even closer to him the very same day, he knew the bed was making it worse for both of them.

“You’re drunk, then?” Adam asked him.

Ronan closed his eyes. The room didn’t spin around him. He opened them.

“Not very,” he said.

Adam then quietly uttered, “I’m sorry for earlier.”

Ronan turned his head to him, worried that Adam might not hear if he spoke.

“What for? Don’t be. I was being the asshole in the first place,” he said.

Adam snorted quietly. “That, yeah.”

_Apologise to him, you idiot._

Ronan let the air between them run cold. 

_Apologise, apologise._

“Goodnight,” Adam said, turning away from Ronan.

Ronan shut his eyes, and now the room did spin. But he knew it wasn’t the alcohol. 

-

_Ten years earlier…_

“Oh, sorry,” Ronan said, thumbing at Adam’s elbow, which he had hit hard with his own by accident.

The four of them were all sitting in a booth at Nino’s. 

Adam looked at Ronan, the corner of his lip curling. Ronan wanted to smile back, but he was sure Gansey was staring at them.

Ronan turned to look at Gansey, and sure enough, he was.

“Can we order already?”

Blue adjusted her earring, looking around, “No. We’re waiting for Henry.”

“What? Why’s he coming?” Ronan asked, perhaps a bit too whiny.

Gansey tilted his head at him, as if to say, _play nice, now._

Ronan crossed his arms. “So, this is a thing now?”

Blue rolled her eyes at him, “calm down and stop being a dick. He’s here.”

Sure enough, Henry Cheng arrived right next to their booth then. 

He spun a keychain around his finger. 

“You wouldn’t think,” he said, catching the keys in his hand just as they were about to fly out of it, “that the cops would stop you if you went six miles over the speed limit.”

Gansey lit up upon seeing him, “Henry, hello.”

Ronan kept himself from rolling his eyes. Adam noticed this, and put a palm on Ronan’s knee, just where they were ripped, playing with the loose threads.

Ronan leaned his back against the booth.

Blue raised her eyebrows, “did you get a ticket?”

Henry elbowed his way to sit next to Gansey. “Of course not. Cops love me. I love them,” he said, “I think they just wanted a chat.”

Ronan snorted, “bet that wasn’t a hard gift to give on your part.”

Henry smiled at him, picking up the menu. He had never been a frequent customer at Nino’s, and the rest of them had known it by heart by now.

“No,” Henry said. He put the menu back down. He had looked at it for two seconds.

Twenty minutes later, they were all sharing five pizzas between them. Henry leaned onto Gansey, as did Blue, and Gansey sat still in this pleasantry. 

“So, I met this girl,” Henry started, even though he hadn’t really stopped.

Henry’s speech habits were so elaborate, Ronan did not think there’d ever be still air around the boy, so long as he lived. He jumped from one topic to the other. _My mother, my money, my friends;_ he trotted through these, fast but calm. The thing was, he never aimed to be annoying. He hadn’t planned to chit-chat his way through life. He just loved when others listened. 

They all perked up at the mention of the girl. All except Ronan, of course.

“Yeah,” Adam said, “us too. Good deal,” he smirked at Blue, who laughed and stuck her tongue out at him.

Ronan watched their exchange. A smile was hidden somewhere deep inside him.

Gansey said, “a _girl_?” As if it was a foreign word in his mouth.

“Careful now.” Ronan grinned at Gansey. “Last time you spoke of women in here it went down atrociously.”

Gansey frowned, “I felt very sorry for that. I still do.”

Blue waved an arm at them, muttering, “over it.”

Gansey, pleased, looked at Ronan. He still grinned. 

Henry’s eyes shifted between them. He enjoyed their exchanges, though he didn’t understand much of the context.

Gansey turned to him, “sorry, Henry, you were saying?”

“Ah, yes,” he put down the pizza he was about to eat, “she’s from DC. But her dad lives here, or something.”

They all watched him, waiting for him to explain why he was mentioning it.

“She’s very pretty. Regal-looking, one might say. Smart, too.”

Ronan leaned his head back, trying not to close his eyes and fall asleep. If only Henry was there with him when he needed to. He was quite sure Henry would get through two sentences and he’d be out. 

Ronan lifted his arm and stretched it across the booth around Adam’s back, but didn’t touch him. Adam was aware.

Ronan closed his eyes. He wondered whether Adam’s eyes shifted away.

“Does this have a point? Are you dating this girl?” Blue asked.

Henry shook his head with a laugh, “me? No. I’m gonna set her up,” he said, “with you.” 

He pointed at Adam.

They all fell silent. Ronan opened an eye to see who Henry was pointing at. He didn’t move. Adam pressed his head into the foam booth, as if Henry was going to touch him.

Ronan’s posture got suddenly uncomfortable, and he opened both eyes.

Henry spoke up again, looking at Adam, “Do you want me to?”

Gansey cleared his throat, but had to stop himself from saying something. He didn’t have to speak for Adam, a fact which he was slowly learning to deal with.

Blue put her face in her hands.

“I’m not,” Adam said, “I’m not looking to date.”

Henry’s eyebrows lifted. “Oh.”

Adam looked away, keeping his gaze off everyone. Especially Ronan.

“May I ask why?”

Adam’s voice raised, ever so slightly, “May _I_ ask why you’re trying to set me up with people?”

Henry looked at him, anxious. “Dude. She saw us at the gas station once. She liked you. I thought you’d be interested. I’m sorry.”

Adam only shook his head.

“I didn’t mean to-“ Henry said, “I didn’t mean to offend.”

Adam lifted his hand to push a strand of hair away from his face. 

“Look. I’m not mad,” He said, and looked at Ronan out of reflex, as if he was going to tell him something. “But I’m dating someone.”

Henry slapped the table. “Really?” It came out as a whisper-shout.

Ronan wanted to choke, but he kept it inside. He realised now that Adam was going to tell Henry, when he held his gaze at him. It was no plea, or a bargain. Ronan didn’t need to change his expression for Adam to read it.

Ronan’s face said, _yes_. Adam’s searched it with uncertainty. But it wasn’t anything to do with Ronan, they both knew. It was Adam’s own self-consciousness. 

But now Adam dipped his toe in the water, it seemed that he didn’t find it so cold and harsh. 

Ronan wanted to tell him that even if he drowned in this feeling, he would be there. He’d pull him up to air. Because Ronan was certain of Adam. He always was.

“Henry,” Gansey started.

Adam looked at Gansey, “you leave it.”

Gansey shut up, and Blue leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Well goddamn, Parrish,” Henry said, “if only you graced me with more information. But something tells me you won’t.”

Adam said, “I thought you’d figured by now.”

Henry looked at him weird, no words came out of his mouth.

Gansey looked at Ronan, while Ronan stared back, lifting an eyebrow. 

The tension was a thin thread with a mouse on top. Adam was sick of it.

“Okay,” Adam paused, “Lynch.”

Ronan looked at him, confused, waiting for a question. 

But Henry already caught on, shot up in realisation, “you’re kidding.”

Ronan realised now that Adam had just said his name. It meant; _Lynch. It’s Lynch I’m dating._

Ronan spoke up for the first time in the past twenty minutes, “surprised, Cheng?”

Henry said, “yes. Scared too, maybe. I didn’t know you were gay. I thought you dated Blue once.” He pointed at Adam.

“Oh my god, people are bisexual, Henry,” Blue said.

Henry looked offended at that, “I know that. It just never occurred to me, with Adam.”

Adam snorted, “yeah. I relate.”

Ronan smirked at Adam and placed an arm around his shoulder.

“And this was never going to be mentioned?” Henry asked.

Ronan scrunched his eyebrows. Henry didn’t know his place, and everyone was now sure that Ronan was going to put him in it.

“You overestimate your boundaries,” Ronan said.

Henry lifted his chin, like a brave soldier. But him against Ronan was as good as a pup against a tiger.

He said, “do you want me to leave?”

Ronan answered, coldly, “I wouldn’t care enough for you to. But now that you mention it.” 

“Guys,” Adam and Gansey said at the same time.

Henry started collecting his things off the table.

Blue took his car keys before he could take them. “Sit, Henry.”

Ronan’s gaze shifted to Gansey. Gansey’s face said _don’t do this now,_ while Ronan’s said _this isn’t about you._

Ronan stood up instead of Henry. “Yes. Stay, Henry.”

Gansey’s eyes never left him. _Don’t do this. Don’t make me parent you._

But Ronan did not care.

Ronan looked at Henry. “I don’t mind you, Cheng. You should stay right where you are, or else they’ll glue you to the seat.”

He then leaned to kiss Adam on the temple, and said to him, “I gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

Adam said quietly, “don’t lie.”

Ronan’s voice got just as low. “You know I’m not.” Ronan didn’t know which of the two statements Adam was referring to. Either way, he wasn’t lying.

Ronan slid out of the booth, bumping knuckles with Blue. She did so with a sad smile.

“So long,” he said, and walked out of the restaurant.

Henry sat there, shocked and panicked. “I had no way of knowing.”

Gansey shook his head, “we know. He didn’t lie. He doesn’t mind you. He’s just toying with you.”

Adam looked at Henry, saying, “he’ll say sorry.”

Blue reached over to place Henry’s keys back on the table in front of him. “We all went through it.”

Henry let out a sigh.

-

Ronan woke up to an empty bed. He momentarily hoped, that if he would shut his eyes and open them again, he’d awake from a dream back at the barns. 

He tried, but the room around him didn’t change, and neither did the light in it. The sun was too bright. The air too humid. 

His heart screamed for home. It ached for Chainsaw. It longed for the wood and the mud. His fingers desired fur to touch. They begged for stones to throw into the sky.

As he sat up, rubbing his eyes, he heard the bathroom door open. He looked up.

Adam stood there, in shorts and a T-shirt.

They regarded each other, and Adam said, “morning.”

Ronan mumbled it back. 

Adam said, “Blue came looking for you.”

Ronan nodded, but his heart smiled. He took his phone from the nightstand. 

A message from Declan read:

_I’ll be gone doing wedding planning stuff all day. I want to speak to you later._

One from Henry:

_Did I leave the pack on the beach yesterday?_

And one from Blue:

_Pool time at 11 am. Bring enthusiasm and leave the swearing in your suitcase._

Ronan checked the time, 10:36 am. He heard a quiet _fuck_ , but it wasn’t him who said it.

Adam was messing around with a phone charger, crouching in the corner of the room.

Ronan stood up, “Gansey’s want us at the pool at eleven. What are you doing?”

Adam looked up at him, “I brought the wrong charger.”

Ronan said, “here, just use mine.” He walked over to reach behind the armchair and plucked it out of the socket. He threw it across the room, and Adam caught it.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah. Blue said pool at eleven,” he said, because he wasn’t sure whether Adam had heard him before.

Adam plugged his phone in the charger, “I know. I need to eat first. Tell them I’ll come.”

Ronan recognised that Adam wasn’t going to ask him whether he wanted to eat with him, and then thought of slapping himself for even thinking of such ridiculousness in the first place.

He heard the door shut and then he realised, he was in the room alone. Adam had left. 

He had a quick shower and got ready. Swimming shorts. Aviators. Towel.

He made his way downstairs, when it was just past eleven. He stepped outside into the sun, which hit him like a bolt. He used his arm to create some shade for his eyes, even though he wore his sunglasses.

He couldn’t see the Gansey’s, or Henry, or anyone he knew for that matter. People were lounging around on the sunbeds, kids splashing in the pool, teens flirting near the pool bar. It was too loud and hot for him.

He sighed and made his way to a cluster of sunbeds next to the pool. He threw a towel on one and sat on it, pulling out his phone.

He texted Blue.

To: Sargent Gansey

_I’m at the pool where are u?_

A minute later:

From: Sargent Gansey

_Baby emergency? Sorry. Will be there asap_

Ronan sighed and plopped the phone down on the sunbed next to him. He laid down and made himself close his eyes. He was grateful for the parasol above him.

“Where are they?” 

Ronan opened his eyes upon hearing Adam’s voice. He was just approaching him. Ronan stared at him, and thanked himself that he had put on the aviators before Adam’s arrival.

Adam wore short yellow swim shorts, cut just about two inches above his knees. 

_Stop staring._

Adam threw a towel and a bottle of sun lotion on the sunbed next to Ronan’s. Ronan then remembered that he was asked a question. He adjusted his sunglasses on his face.

“They’ll be here. Something came up with the kids,” Ronan said, averting his eyes from Adam and shutting them once again.

Adam laid down, “It’s fucking hot. I didn’t think it’d be so hot.”

Ronan scrunched his eyebrows and turned his head to look at Adam. He was smearing sun lotion over his chest and freckled shoulders. 

Ronan willed himself to look away, but found that he couldn’t. Adam’s body had gotten bigger. His torso was still lean as ever, but his arms had grown much more muscle. Ronan never noticed, with all the suits Adam wore.

“June’s the hottest month,” Ronan said, his eyes on Adam’s stomach, “of the year.”

_It feels like it, anyway._

Adam was oblivious. 

They both knew that Adam didn’t mind the heat as much as Ronan did. Adam seemed to have grown from the sun, since he was a July baby.

Ronan looked into the patch of blue sky. He remembered him and Adam sitting in the fields near the Barns nine years ago. It was right after Adam’s twentieth birthday, and the sun was hot and heavy. Ronan had been laying across the dry grass, propped up on his elbows, Adam perpendicular to him, his head on Ronan’s stomach. _“Do you remember,”_ Adam had said, _“when your whole body would hurt as a kid?”_ Ronan looked down at him, silly in love, _"what’re you talking about?”_ And Adam had just said, _“You know, when you grow. Mine would always hurt most in the sun.”_

Ronan’s heart ached as he recalled it.

Adam finished with the lotion, and threw it over to Ronan, who had almost not caught it. “Put some on.”

Ronan held it. “I’m in the shade.”

Adam put a pair of sunglasses on, and said, “that doesn’t matter. Put some on.”

Ronan didn’t know whether what Adam was saying was out of genuine care, or he had only predicted what Gansey would tell him.

Ronan sighed and squeezed some of the lotion into his palm. He rubbed it over his chest, his shoulders, his stomach. He struggled with his back. 

Adam looked at him. “Here,” he said, motioning for Ronan to pass him the bottle.

Ronan did so, and Adam stood up. Ronan couldn’t see him, because Adam stood behind his back, but he felt Adam’s fingers, slick with the cream, press into his shoulder. Adam rubbed it in properly.

Ronan felt his hand roam over the tattoo on his back.

 _Unguibus et rostro._ Ronan remembered.

As Adam worked over his shoulders and upper back, Ronan felt his thumb press into the crook of his left shoulder blade. 

Ronan found himself enjoying it too much, right before Adam finished.

“There,” he said, and laid back down on hid sun bed.

Ronan muttered, “thanks.”

Ten anxious minutes later, Blue had arrived with Arthur in her arms.

She came over to stand over Ronan, and the baby reached his arms out for him. Ronan opened his eyes.

She smiled at Ronan apologetically, “sorry.”

Ronan only shrugged a shoulder. 

She sat down on the sun bed next to his, and Adam said, “which kid caused the hold up?”

Blue tilted her head, sighing, “Gansey.”

Ronan snorted, while Adam asked, “where is he?”

Blue waved an arm at him, “he’s getting ice cream with Willow.”

She tried to adjust the baby in her arms, but Arthur started squirming around, crying. He was reaching for Ronan again, who noticed.

Blue sighed, and Ronan reached for the baby. “Alright. Let’s look at you, King Arthur.”

Arthur was happy with this, and stopped crying. Ronan sat him down on his stomach.

Blue laid down, “you’re stuck with him for the day. Or the whole week. I could use a week off.”

Ronan watched the baby put a hand in his mouth and chew on it. Arthur had sun cream smeared all over him, his face coated in it. 

Ronan adjusted the tiny sun hat on Arthur’s head. “What have you been up to? Doing God’s work? Keeping your parents up? Looking cute?”

Adam watched them. Blue laughed.

“All of the above,” she said. 

Ronan held onto Arthur’s hand for stability. “Ah, takes after his uncle, wouldn’t you say?”

The question was aimed mainly at Blue, but Adam was the one who laughed.

“I’d say Willow’s more like you,” Adam said, looking at Arthur.

Ronan turned his head to look at Adam, and Blue said, “Oh, God. Yes.”

The baby was getting bored on Ronan’s chest, and started slapping him across it. Blue explained, “you’ve no hair for him to tear out.”

Ronan held Arthur and lifted him into the sky, above his head. He started lifting him up and down, blowing raspberries into his stomach. The baby screeched and laughed.

Ronan laughed, too, but he felt Adam watching them with a smile.

An hour later, Gansey, Matthew, and Willow were playing in the pool. Ronan didn’t move from his seat, he handed Arthur back over to Blue some time ago. The baby was crying now.

“Do you think he wants to go in the pool?” Gansey said, swimming over to them.

Matthew was throwing Willow into the pool, but being careful with her.

Blue bounced the baby on her knee. “I think so.”

“You think?” Ronan said, watching the child cry and reach for Gansey. It was obvious he wanted to go in.

Gansey lifted himself out of the pool, soaking wet, and walked over to them. He sighed, obviously tired. He crouched to come face-to-face with Arthur. “Hey, now.”

“You,” Ronan said, “are an old man.” He stood up from his sun bed.

Gansey eyed him. Ronan reached for the screaming baby.

“I’ll take him,” Ronan said. 

Gansey looked at Ronan, then at Adam, then at Blue.

“Okay. But be very careful,” Gansey said. 

Blue put a pair of arm bands on Arthur, “okay, yes, I know,” she soothed the baby. “Uncle Ronan’s going swimming with you!”

As she did so, Ronan asked Gansey, “where’s Henry, by the way?”

Gansey stood up and put his arms on his hips. “In recovery, apparently.”

Adam then said, “I’m going in, too.” 

Ronan didn’t know whether Adam thought that Arthur needed more supervision or if he really wanted to go in the pool. 

Gansey sat down, “thanks, guys.”

Ronan was handed the baby, and Gansey said, “be very, very careful with him. Don’t let him take his hat off, either.”

Ronan said, “don’t worry.”

They walked to the edge of the pool. Adam, Ronan and Arthur.

“Wait,” Adam said, and dived into the pool. There were less people now, as it was lunch time. He swam back to where Ronan stood at the edge with Arthur. The baby had calmed since he realized he was going in.

Adam’s head broke the surface of the water.

Ronan grinned, “show off.”

Adam mouthed, “ _asshole._ ”

Adam reached for Arthur, and Ronan carefully put him in his arms. 

“It’s a bit cold, buddy,” Adam said to Arthur, but the baby didn’t seem to care. He smacked his hands over the water, all of it splashing into Adam’s face. 

Ronan got in the pool, and they swam over to where the end was a bit shallower, with less people.

Ronan held onto Arthur’s arm as he kicked his feet and babbled, and said, “You can go swim if you want.”

Adam adjusted the baby’s arm band where it was sliding off. “Nah. I don’t spend enough time with him as it is.”

And Ronan couldn’t believe that he was jealous of a seven-month-old baby. 

They played around with him, and soon Matthew and Willow joined them. Ronan felt himself the supervisor of the group, and wanted to laugh at that.

He looked over to where Gansey and Blue were laying on their sun beds. Blue was sprawled across her’s – Ronan was positive she had fallen asleep. Gansey was watching them, cautious. But Ronan knew that he trusted him with Arthur. Gansey just didn’t trust Ronan with Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Adam's yellow swim shorts. They're like half of the reason why I wanted to write this fic. MAYBE I've been thinking about Adam POVs lately. MAYBE. My tumblr is @/spacecowboyparrish, if you wish to find me there. Again, I wish you all safety and health during this pandemic.


	6. Mother Says You're Lying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all. I'm very sorry for such a late update, but I've finally finished my first year of uni - exams were the main reason keeping me from working on this. I see your lovely comments/messages and I adore them.  
> This chapter is more of a filler, I do apologise for that but I'm trying to get ahold of the idea of how I want this fic to go. Again, hope everyone is doing well. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The rest of their day was spent lounging in the blazing hot sun. Gansey and Adam sat on their sunbeds, Arthur was so exhausted from their pool fun he opted for a nap in his travel basinet, Blue went over Matthew’s speech with him, while Willow spent most of the afternoon on Ronan’s shoulders.

Now, hours later, Ronan made his way to the hotel restaurant. 

“Hey,” Ronan said, sitting down in the chair opposite Declan. 

“How was your day?” Declan’s voice was business, as always. Ronan never knew what to do with it.

“Yeah, good,” Ronan answered. “Matthew coming?”

Declan smoothed his hand over a neat white napkin on the table. “Yes. I told him to come a bit later.”

Ronan scrunched his eyebrows at him. “Why?”

“Because. I want to talk to you.”

He took a sip of water, which Declan had poured for him from the jug, averting his gaze. He turned to look around the restaurant. A mother was scolding her child for not using his cutlery properly. “What about?”

Declan put his hands together, as if in prayer. “Nothing in particular. How do you find the room?”

Ronan let out an airy breath through his nose, and said, “it’s a room. There’s a chandelier.”

Declan nodded. “Adam okay?”

The mention of Adam pricked Ronan’s ear. “He’s work-stressed.”

“Of course he is, and with the whole thing with his client, he must feel awful.”

_The thing with his client?_

Ronan said, “uh-huh.”

“I can’t recall the last time I saw you two,” Declan said. “Together, that is.”

“He’s busy. _I’m_ busy. It’s constant.”

Declan sighed, and Ronan knew he was preparing himself to say something, but only as soon as Declan let it out. “Ronan, did you ever consider moving in together, at any point?”

Ronan glided his finger along the edge of his glass. He let himself stay silent for a while, and then quietly said, “what?”

He lifted his eyes to meet Declan’s.

“Don’t get upset. I’m asking a normal question.”

Ronan wished he could jump in a car and drive as fast as it’d let him. He wished.

“So when you said you didn’t want to discuss anything in particular,” Ronan said, “you meant my relationship with Adam.”

“Ronan, Jesus, I’m only asking. You’ve been together for what? Ten years?”

Ronan looked up at him. He didn’t say a word.

Declan shook his head, “I don’t mean to meddle.”

“Oh, you’re meddling.”

“I’m just looking out for you guys. I want you to be happy.”

“Adam lives in DC, because he works there. He can’t come over as often,” Ronan said timidly. A picture of Adam floated around in his mind, but it was so, so blurry.

“DC’s a long way from the Barns.”

“Is that what this is about? _The Barns_?”

“No. This is about you being happy.” Declan’s voice was almost offended.

“I’m happy _because_ I get to be there.” 

Declan sighed. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean it like that. I know it’s home to you.”

Ronan knew he had to play his part and so, he sat back in his chair.

“I was only wondering whether you guys were doing okay. I know the distance must be hard.”

Six years ago. It was hard.

“We make it work.”

Ten years ago. They had made it work.

Declan smiled uncertainly. “Okay.”

Ronan shook his head, “this isn’t a real conversation.”

Declan shrugged, and took a sip of his drink. “We’ve never had real conversations. I don’t expect us to start now.”

What he said wasn’t touching in any way. Ronan should have taken it as an insult. But he was broken in that way, which was taking insults and turning them inside out like rabbit skin. A word couldn’t graze him as hateful if he flipped it.

“Why do you think,” Ronan said, in a malicious tone, “that is?”

Declan looked up, clearly taken by surprise. 

“Oh. I don’t know,” he said. “We’re brothers. I suppose that’s the way it should be.”

Ronan nodded, staring at the table. He felt bile in his gut, a bitterness that never left him. It was a sort of uncertainty and fear that you caught when you lost sight suddenly. That was what Ronan had felt like.

Ronan then said, “Declan, do you ever think about mom?”

Declan inhaled sharply, in a way that was visibly uncomfortable. As if he was taking his last breath, ever.

“I think of her,” he paused, “every day. More and more, it seems.”

Ronan nodded. He didn’t know whether he was pleased, whether he was surprised, with Declan’s answer.

They both knew that Declan didn’t need to ask him the same question. Ronan’s brain ran on memories of their mother, like a drug. He slept in her bed every day. Her bedsheets were tucked neatly in the dark basement. The memory of her floated around the Barns like a dream, one that she always had been.

Declan cupped the glass in both of his hands, as if it was about to fall. He was hunched in a way that Ronan had never seen him. He didn’t look like Declan at all, Ronan thought.

“Do you think about dad?” 

Declan’s voice was husky, as if he were a kid telling a secret. Ronan felt himself hunching his shoulders, too. They might as well have looked like twins, two boys separated at birth who grew up two different ways, decidedly reuniting on an island. Out of the two of them, Ronan knew he was the one who looked like an orphan. He didn’t even know whether thirty-year-old adults could refer to themselves as orphans.

Ronan sat back in the chair. He then finally said, “There’s so much shit he left behind. Like, a lot of stuff. Useless crap. I’ve no idea how mom let him dream up some of the stuff he did.”

Declan sat back too, and let a puff of air out in a sad laugh. “We both know why she did,” he said, looking at Ronan pointedly.

“That’s not how it works. Matthew would piss in my boot if I did something stupid,” Ronan said, but even he did not believe it.

“He wouldn’t. But that’s not the thing,” Declan said, and then his voice lowered, “you never dreamt him to dance to your tune, did you?”

Ronan felt himself shake his head, subconsciously.

“No, you dreamt him because you loved him. Before he was even there. You loved him on the inside, and you wanted to love him on the outside. You wanted all of us to. The rest was taken care of. Matthew’s more human than most of the low-lives I know.”

Ronan’s throat felt scratchy, his eyes sizzled within. Be blinked.

“God knows how dad dreamt up mom,” Declan said.

Ronan shook his head again, “she was still her own person.”

“Well, of course. Because she had us.”

Ronan then laughed sadly, hiding. “She’d be fucking elated to be here. She’d talk shit behind your back, but she’d be glad.”

Ronan imagined her there, then. He thought of her saying, _Oh, that Declan._

_Her dauntless Declan._

“We’ll go get our blessings from the Pastor when we get back,” Declan said. He seemed to be more composed now, more Declan.

“Good.”

A tight air sat around them. Like time was waiting for them to finish talking to resume.

“You’ve changed.”

Ronan glared at him. “Enlighten me.”

“Well, five years ago, you would’ve walked away from the table, about ten minutes ago.”

Ronan snorted, “I’m hungry.”

“And,” Declan said, “older.”

“And that.”

Declan’s phone buzzed, and as he looked at it, he said, “That kid.”

Ronan knew he was referring to Matthew, though he was no kid. Declan put his phone down. “Don’t forget about tomorrow.”

_Ah, yes, the big dinner._

Ronan snorted again, pushing a single bracelet up his wrist.

Declan then said, “you’ll never settle down, will you?”

Ronan answered, “I am settled down. I’ve nowhere to go.”

Declan sighed, but nodded, and Ronan realised the conversation had ended. He knew Declan wasn’t referring to the Barns, but to Adam. He wondered how Declan could ever think of a person as a place, a place as a person. The Barns were alive enough for Ronan.

-

_Nine years earlier…_

“Ronan, I’m gonna trip,” Adam said, as Ronan blindly lead him outside through the house.

Ronan got ahold of his hand, saying, “I’m holding your hand. Come.”

Adam snorted, but kept his eyes shut. “God. What’ve you done now?”

Ronan smirked to himself, and lead Adam into the large barn. He came to a halt. “Okay, stop. Open your eyes.”

Adam opened his eyes. In front of them, a calf laid in the damp hay. She was merely eight weeks old. Ronan waited for Adam’s reaction. Adam only stared at the cow.

He then said, “you got a cow.”

Ronan let go of Adam’s hand and put his hands on his hips, a proud posture. “I got a cow.”

The Jersey calf licked her snout. Her eyes bulged widely. Ronan got closer to her, he said, “I bought her in Fairfax.”

Adam walked a few strides, too. He crouched down next to her. Ronan watched them like a miracle. He pushed against a smile, it was just a boy and a cow.

“She’s small,” Adam said.

“Yeah. She’s eight weeks. Her mother died while giving birth,” Ronan said, and made himself sit quietly next to the calf. He motioned for Adam to do the same. 

They sat next to her in their clean clothes, which they didn’t mind. 

Adam stroked her behind the ear, almost afraid he was going to startle her. “You got a cow,” he said again, shaking his head with a smile.

“I wanted to tell you. God, Adam, I’ve slept in this fucking barn with her for a week now,” Ronan said.

Adam laughed, “you’re kidding me.”

“No, I have. I can’t sleep in the house knowing she’s here alone.”

“Wow, Lynch. You goin’ soft?” Adam smirked. The calf shut her eyes.

“Fuck off.” Ronan slapped his forearm playfully.

“Does she have a name?”

“No. You should name her.”

Adam thought about it for a while. “How about Taura? That’s nice,” he said.

“She looks too country for a Latin name.”

“Okay, cowboy,” Adam said, and Ronan glared at him. “Give her a proper country name.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, whatever like, Jolene, or somethin’.”

Ronan looked at the calf, as she opened her eyes. He tried it, “Jolene?”

“Yeah, like that Dolly Parton song.” Adam looked up at Ronan, a smile hidden.

“You lost me.” Ronan said this, but he knew exactly which song Adam meant.

“You know, Henry made us listen to it on repeat that one time.”

“Still lost.”

And then Adam started mumbling a tune, “ _…but I could easily understand, how you could easily take my man…_ ”

Ronan grinned, looking down at his feet. “I know the one.”

“Jolene,” Adam said, stroking the calf. “A proper country name for a proper country girl.”

“Alright,” Ronan said. He stood up and took a halter of a hook. “Let’s take her outside.”

They took the calf, who looked anxiously petrified, outside. It took them a while to make her follow, but once she realised that Adam meant no harm, she complied. Ronan took them onto the small plot of land which had panel fencing around it. Adam closed the gate behind him.

“So, this is it, then. You’re a farmer. Are you gonna get a horse, too?” Adam asked.

Ronan took the halter off Jolene’s head. “Jesus Mary, no. Why? That turn you on?”

Adam crossed his arms and leaned against the fence, smiling. “Maybe. _Maybe_ you have a motorcycle driver thing and maybe I have a horseback rider thing.”

Ronan came up to him, and propped his arms against the fence, on each of Adam’s sides. He had him in a cage. He leaned in, an inch from Adam’s face. “You don’t have a thing,” he said, his voice low.

Adam’s voice got just as low, “maybe I do.” And then he leaned in and kissed Ronan. 

Adam reached for his face as they kissed, and then circled his arms around Ronan’s neck. 

Ronan pulled away, saying, “stop.” He circled his arms around Adam’s lower back and kissed his jaw.

Adam smirked, “why?”

Ronan hugged him and put his head in the crook of Adam’s neck. He inhaled the scent of Adam, cut grass and clean laundry. An Adam from the Barns. Ronan wanted to kiss him senseless. 

Ronan saw them there as a constant, an unflinching thing. He loved Adam whole. He loved him like a mad man. He stroked Adam’s lower back, and lifted the linen shirt he wore, to touch his bare skin.

He smirked into Adam’s neck, and he was sure Adam felt it. “Because. I’ll buy a horse.” 

But they both knew, it was because Ronan didn’t want to get hard so easily, like a teenager in the summer air. Chainsaw flapped her wings above them and Jolene tapped her hooves in the ground a few feet away.

-

When Ronan got back to his room after his dinner with Declan and Matthew, he found Adam and Willow playing UNO on the bed. 

“Oh, hi Will,” Ronan said, throwing his phone and the key on the nightstand.

She was looking at her cards intently, trying to pick one. “can’t talk now, Uncle Ro,” she said.

Both of them were sat cross-legged, focused on the game. Ronan sat down next to her. “Can I see?” he asked quietly.

Adam raised his eyebrows, “that’s not very fair, she’s already better at this than me by herself. Two on one is just unfair.”

Willow showed her cards to Ronan, who scanned them. He looked at Adam and said, “don’t get political, Parrish.”

Adam smirked, and just when he was about to put down a card, his phone started ringing. “Oh, wait a minute.” He put down his cards and went to grab his phone from the nightstand.

Ronan watched him do it, and then turned to Willow and said, “so your parents decided to banish you with your most boring Uncle?”

He reached his hand and tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. In the background, Adam was talking to someone on the phone.

Willow grinned at him, “Uncle Adam is not boring. Mommy said she and Daddy are going to the spa and they asked me who I wanted to stay with. I said you, but they said you were having dinner. But Uncle Adam is cool, too.”

“Daddy went to the spa?”

“Mhm, with Mommy.”

“And Arthur?”

She shook her head, “He’s in there.” She pointed to the en-suite bathroom. The door was left ajar.

“Oh,” Ronan said, and got up. Adam turned to look at him and put his index finger to his lips, to show him to be quiet. 

Ronan peeked into the bathroom, the baby was sleeping in the travel basinet. He went back to sit next to Willow, who said, “can I play on your phone?”

Ronan sighed. He took his phone and unlocked it, “games only. Thirty minutes, no more. Don’t tell your parents.”

She thanked him and laid down on the bed comfortably. “You don’t want anything to eat?” he asked her. Willow shook her head.

Ronan turned to look at Adam.

“John, just leave it all on my desk,” Adam said, sitting down in the armchair. “I don’t know if I’m going yet. I should be home by Wednesday,” he paused again, looking at Ronan. “I’m not sure. Look, I want it on paper by the time I’m there.” 

Ronan heard the muffled male voice on the other side, Adam rolled his eyes a bit and nodded his head, at which Ronan tilted his head confusedly.

Adam ended the call, and sighed. Ronan was clearing the UNO cards off the bed, lifting Willows legs one by one as he looked for them. She giggled as he did it, almost kicking him by accident. 

“Boyfriend?” Ronan said.

Adam glared at him, “ha-ha. Clerk. I’ve told him to email me if something came up, he keeps forgetting.”

“When are the Gansey’s picking them up?”

Adam looked at him, crossing his legs. “The kids? Oh, I don’t know. They said they won’t be very long, but they dropped them off like an hour ago.”

Ronan nodded, and then Adam said, “how was dinner?”

Ronan sat on the foot of the bed, to face Adam. “Great,” he said sarcastically.

Adam picked at the hem of his trousers. He wore them loose with a cream T-shirt. Ronan thought he looked much younger like this. He carried a sense of comfort like this. It suited him well. 

“It’ll be over soon,” Adam said.

“Fucking can’t wait,” Ronan said, and as he did, Adam’s eyes widened. He looked at Willow, then back at Ronan, and only then Ronan had realised he swore in front of her. It was fine, she was too preoccupied with Ronan’s phone.

He then said, “anyway, there’s this dinner tomorrow.”

Adam’s eyebrows raised, “what dinner?”

“With some people who are arriving tomorrow. Close friends and colleagues.”

“I’m assuming we have to be there?” Adam leaned his head on his hand. Ronan only nodded.

“It’ll be fine,” Adam said.

Ronan thought about this. He thought about Blue and Gansey at the spa, her being forced to listen to his obscure theories, stroking the back of his neck as she did. He thought about Declan and Jordan, soon to be newlyweds, excited that they can share all of this with everyone. He thought about Matthew and Henry, who were surely getting drunk or picking up women at the bar by now. He thought about Adam, the lie, his mother. He remembered the time she would look at Adam, like she knew, like the love shone out of Ronan so brightly he couldn’t hide it from her.

He had once come home late when he was a kid, just after his tenth birthday. She had asked him, _“where were you_?” He’d respond, “ _in the barn, mother_ ” and she had looked at him, not angry or upset. The look on her face was the familiar one letting you know you’re forgiven for even the worst. “ _You can’t lie to me. You’re the only boy who doesn’t know how to lie to me,_ ” she had muttered, and ran her hand through his curls.

And then Ronan looked at Adam, and he knew that it wouldn’t be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, look. Quarantine is still here and apparently I've decided to spend my time writing self-indulgent fan fiction. I will disclaim that I am British, hence the spelling and overall lack of knowledge of american-isms, so please bear with that. I also apologise if any long rants about farming and religion occur. You have been warned.


End file.
